From Where I'm Standing

In the same mental state roughly as I was this time 5 months ago, almost to the day. Got to get out. And once again, London is the only place I've got to go.

Just want to be alone. In a place where the lights shine brighter.

"let it fall, let it crash all around you"

Sooner or Later

"I'm your shoulder, I'm the quick drive over"

Saw Harry Potter yesterday. It was alright. Then I went and had a couple of pints and was sufficiently freaked out by the level of friendliness of the trainee staff at the Regal: "sorry to bother you, but can I take your glasses?" ...c'mon, this is the Regal... we all felt quite confused.

Anyway. Not much else has been happening. Working and working. Etc.

I've decided to go to London on Tuesday, and wander about, go to the British Museum and stuff. Just by myself. I need to get out, and London is the only place I know I can go, be alone and not get lost.

Michelle Branch's new single came out today. I'm liking it quite a lot. I'm all about music from 5 years ago right now - Switchfoot, Michelle Branch etc.

4 days of work ahead. I can only imagine a significant amount of stress-relief will be needed by the end of it. Somehow I seem to get worked up so easily at the moment. And I'm coping with it in ways I don't think my body is particularly appreciating.

This summer was meant to be fucking amazing. Now I just can't wait for it to be over, and to have autumn back.

bai.x.

"where can you run to escape from yourself?"

Animals

John asked me yesterday if I still walked to Trumpington. And I said no. I'm too lazy.

That's got to change. It's one of the bits of me I've lost.

Yes. If that's all I can get back.

Rust

Okay, so I know I'm just never writing anymore. I just can't find the time or the thought process or whatever. Too much of this week has involved me coming home drunk and passing out. I feel so tired, and I think I'm getting ill, just hoping it's not swine flu or something. It's not like I haven't been sleeping either, I mean, I've been managing at least 8 hours, and I had 10 last night, so I don't get why I'm still tired.

In general though, things are alright, apart from the too much alcohol, which is making me want to stop drinking for a little while and eat lots of vegetables and do lots of exercise. But the problem is that drinking is what we do to socialise, and I seem to be quite sociable at the moment.

But yeah. I think the general point of this was to say that this morning I played a bunch of my old songs for the first time in ages, and it was really good, like I actually felt better after sitting down for half an hour and just playing and singing. And yeah, it's not like I'll ever play in front of anyone again, but that never meant that I had to stop playing. I don't think I realised that.

Weather is funny today. Lots of rain and then sun. I'm hoping for a rainbow, but I haven't spotted one yet. Been using my camera more, took some butterfly pictures yesterday. The more I do it the more I think, am I going to end up with a career in photography? I was saying to Julian the other day maybe I'll do that and then as my mid-life crisis thing I'll open a bakery and make amazing brownies and cupcakes and stuff and it'll be great. But that's 30 years away. Oh god. I'll be 50 then. Ew.

Anyway, I better get on with some work now. Already feeling out of my depth with it a little bit. But at least in a couple of months time I'll be studying a 60 year period instead of like, a few centuries, and there will be no modernism or postmodernism involved. This makes me happy. Srsly.

bai.x.

P.S. Telekinesis is actually amazing. I haven't stopped listening to his album all week. Have to wait until it comes out here in August before I buy it though, don't really want to pay to have it shipped from America.

High Life Scenery

Ugh. Okay, so I'm almost alright now. The last two weeks have been this sort of crazed madness of stress and general fails.

So I've stopped waking up at 5am and started eating properly again, and I'm finally planning my essay which means my head feels much less like it's going to explode now. Somehow I just let everything pile up.

And yeah, I still feel like I don't know enough and like I should probably do a photography degree just to get by, but I'm trying to be slightly braver. Not so afraid of everyone. And certainly less looking petrified.

It's my birthday on Friday. And my essay is due in as well. I hope all will be okay. Deciding what to do is impossible, no one is ever going to want to go to the same places. Cambridge sucks.

Nothing much else seems to be happening right now. I'm completely behind with Infinite Jest. Currently things are just a balance between working, drinking and working.

It poured with rain earlier. Unusually heavy rain. But fairly short lived. I felt like wandering around in it, like it might make me feel better. Except last time I went for a walk in the rain I don't think it really helped.

So instead I took some photos of the clematis round my window. ^ is the result.

Oh. And I got a new phone. It is shiny and slidey = awesome.

bai.x.