The Great Beyond

Neglect neglect... oh dear, it's been a while. But to be fair, I haven't been doing much. 

Walking, working. Starting to feel certain desperation for summer so I can be outside more. Have been cooking stuff as well, vegetarian stuff. Going to make pancakes today, even though I had them at Cat's, I just feel a need for pancakes now. Om nom nom. 

We walked around the gravel pits in Hemingford, they're really pretty. I wish Sawston was that pretty, but it's just a boring shithole. 

Saw Ra Ra Riot and Peter Broderick. Both actually amazing. Ra Ra Riot are one of those bands that if you ever listen to them, you have to see them live. They were super bouncy and energetic, and it was just brilliant. Drank Bulmers which they had on tap at KCLSU. Amazing. As for Peter Broderick, well, I've always been in awe of people who loop things whilst on stage, and it was great to watch him build up the sound into the awesomeness that is his music. He was a nice guy as well. He was like "I'm from Portland, so I'm sort of at home here, because it's the Portland". Heh. 

Um. Yeah. Passed my theory test (which I keep forgetting about - my dad came home and was like "congratulations!" and I was like "for what?") so now I've just got to sort out my driving....

Anyway. I need to get on with some work. Or some pancake making/CSI watching. I won't leave it so long again. 

bai.x.

Sickness, Bury

It's all okay. 

So. It snowed the other day. It was insane. I left the house not long after it started, and trying to get into town was impossible, the queues ran all the way along Hills Road, so I had to get off at Homerton and walk for about 25 mins instead. God knows how long it would've taken if I stayed on the bus. Anyway, eventually I met Cat and we took the bus to St Ives and had to walk to Hemingford in the pouring (is that the right word?) snow. Brr. And I took a couple of really poor photos of the snow. Oh well. 

Anyway, I'm standing with my guitar on my back. I've agreed to do a gig in March, and sort of slightly panicking about the fact that I can't remember how to play some of the songs I do want to play, and most of the ones I can remember, I don't want to play. This is typical. 

Still failing massively on the work front. Need to do lots of reading too. I think I'm going to have to start timetabling my days and arranging my time down to the minute. It's probably the only way I'll ever get anything done. 

Going to see Peter Broderick tomorrow night. Pretty excited. And Ra Ra Riot on Tuesday. 

Theory test on Weds. Should probably start doing some learning....

bai.x.

Fragile Day

What am I going to say to them?

I laughed at you, and now it's me, and all I can think is "but it's different, it's different, right?" 

Maybe I'll just say it and it'll be okay, and eventually it'll become one of those "remember when" moments. 

I just don't know how to put it. 

Save Me

It's been snowing a lot all week. And apparently we're getting more tomorrow night, which is all well and good except for the fact that I've got to go down to London to see Gaslight Anthem, and it's clearly going to fuck with the trains. Meh.

I made a snowman and went for a walk in the snow. I felt like a small child again. It was cool. 

I think this is pretty much the laziest week I've had so far this year. I just haven't achieved anything. At all. The work I was supposed to do I did really half-arsedly, and that's about it. 

Something's got to change. Been talking to Cat about me being more active or whatever, but I'm too lazy to be active. It's a vicious cycle. And a downward spiral. 

I'll sort it out somehow. 

bai.x.

Hitten

I can't help but feel trapped. When I got home last night, I was walking along the platform at Cambridge station, and as I got nearer to the exit I just felt heavier and heavier, like it would be so much easier for me to go and catch a train back to London rather than go home. 

And when I got home it was even worse. Sitting at my desk, looking at the same few websites, reading my book, thinking. It's like a horrible destructive repetitive thing, and I'm stuck. Stuck Stuck Stuck. This is why I can't take not having a job. And whilst I have more than enough OU work to keep me going, I still have to sit in this room, or in this house and do it all. I need that escape. 

When do I decide to get that escape back? It hasn't started driving me so insane that I can't deal with it yet. So maybe a few more weeks. I don't know what I'll do if I can't find a job. Eek. 

"I want to know what I'm thinking, 

what I'm feeling, what I want my life to be"

bai.x.

Put Us Back Together Right

I can't even remember much of what's happened this week. I have to make a real effort to remember anything about anything now, because so little happens that there's not much to define any moments. 

London was good. 

Reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby at the moment. It's probably one of the best books I've read in a while. I'd be killed if I said that anywhere else, because Terry is meant to be my reading love at the moment. But even though he's good, I think I relate better to real life world that I can relate to stuff rather than fantasy this isn't my world what's going on? stuff. If that makes sense. 

I need to create some defining moments, so when all of this is over I don't just have a blank memory for about 2 months. I suppose you could say some of it is defining, but just not defining enough. 

I don't feel much like listening to music right now. I can't settle on a band to listen to.

bai.x.