Sleep

Times keep changing. And i can't decide what to do. Am i destined to keep going round in circles? There has to be a time when i realise i can't fix this, and so just go back to what i know.

I wish someone else could make my life decisions for me.

Fireworks

Life feels kinda empty right now.

Today I took pictures of dewdrops, listened to Kate Walsh, read Anna Karenina, started watching Magnolia, and started doing work on evangelism and slavery. Cool.

Maybe I'll make gingerbread men tomorrow. Or a gingerbread house.

Yeah.

bai.x

Spitting Games

What do you do when you come across someone from your past you thought had disappeared?

Do you try finding out if they remember you?

Or do you let them stay in the past, in case they're not who you remember them as?

Halp.

I Don't Care What You Call Me

I love David Ford.

I forgot how wonderfully miserable he was.

Today has been a day of strange flashbacks.

Are You Ten Years Ago?

My albums of the decade list. This may or may not be somewhat coloured by what I've been listening to recently. I may revise it at new year. They aren't in a massively specific order after the top 10.

here goes:

1. Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

2. Nada Surf - Let Go

3. Doves - The Last Broadcast

4. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife

5. Jenny Owen Youngs - Batten the Hatches

6. The Shins - Oh! Inverted World

7. Tegan and Sara - The Con

8. Damien Rice - O

9. The Arcade Fire - Funeral

10. Feeder - Comfort in Sound

11. Los Campesinos! - Hold on now Youngster

12. Muse - Origin of Symmetry

13. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

14. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

15. Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight

16. Frank Turner - Sleep is for the Week

17. The National - Boxer

18. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

19. Regina Spektor - Soviet Kitsch

20. Michelle Branch - The Spirit Room

21. Peter Broderick - Home

22. Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid

23. The Dears - Gang of Losers

24. The Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur

25. Woodpigeon - Treasury Library Canada

26. Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell

27. Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line

28. Miracle Fortress - Five Roses

29. The Long Winters - Putting the Days to Bed

30. Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up Til It Was Light

31. Headlights - Kill Them With Kindness

32. Maritime - We the Vehicles

33. Laura Veirs - Saltbreakers

34. The Helio Sequence - Keep Your Eyes Ahead

35. David Ford - I Sincerely Apologise For All The Trouble I've Caused

I feel like I could keep going for a lot longer. I didn't really want to duplicate bands, hence awesome albums such as Narrow Stairs not being on the list. It was originally only 30, and then I just looked over at my CD rack and was like "ohhh but what about that..."

It's weird to think that those are the albums that have shaped the most formative years of my life. Particularly coming back to the Last Broadcast which was what started me on indie music in the first place. There should probably be embarrassing stuff on there as well, like S Club 7, but...maybe not.

Year End list to come soon.

Crazy World

Hello.

Got a lot of time. Implementing proper work plans so I get it done. Timetabling my days etc.

I've started doing this. It will be fun. Sort of. If I remember to keep doing it.

Thinking about compiling my 'top' lists of this year, and also the decade. I think I'm going to have to have a top 30 or 40 for albums of the decade.

Not much else is happening.

bai.x.

Brighter Discontent

I can hear the rain outside. Even over Allison Weiss's lovely voice.

Feeling so much better after making these decisions. I can see a future again. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause.

Today is all about lyrics:

"i forgot what it felt like, to feel so alive

packing my suitcase, changing my mind"

"all these things should make me happy

make me happy to be home again

but love is not these belongings that surround me

though there's meaning in the memories they hold"

I went to London to see my sister today. I never feel alone in London. Travelling from place to place, surrounded by hundreds of people. It's kind of comforting in a weird way. You never see the same people twice, they're all going about their lives, they disappear. Like looking at a much bigger picture, seeing the world and feeling insignificant but in a good way. It's a feeling I appreciate. Because coming home is always the sad part.

x

Learning to Breathe

I'm so done.

Starting over.

Sometimes you think you've made a mistake, but then it actually turns out you were right the first time around.

Things are getting fucked up. And there's a lot to sort out.

But it'll be alright in the end. Yes.

"I could use a fresh beginning too"

Centennial

"you've never heard of fiction, you've never heard of fact"

Reading number9dream. I bought Cloud Atlas over a year ago, and have never got past the first couple of pages, but this I'm getting into. It's good. I think after reading a lot of Murakami recently, I now like things that are set in Japan.

Spent the afternoon contemplating life decisions. Looking for jobs. Looking at OU courses. Looking for places to live. Of course nothing is certain, and I don't have any real plans, apart from a bit of change. With most of my friends finishing their degrees this year, I'm starting to feel like I don't want to wait another 2 years or more to finish mine. My life is on hold until I've got that piece of paper. I can't get a real job in art without it.

Glad my parents have returned. I get really disconnected when I'm living alone. I hate it. One or two days is okay, but 10 is horrible. This is proof I could never live alone in the real world.

Keep putting off all this stuff. Going to sort things out on Tuesday. Then maybe I can get out of the habit of hating myself.

Tokyo Police Club. Pains of being Pure at Heart. Azure Ray.

Work tomorrow. Ew. It's weird, on Friday I felt like I was really okay with it all - but it's that feeling, like however well I'm getting on, it's not enough, and I don't belong there. It's uncomfortable. That's the only way to describe it.

bai.x.

Dark Was The Night

I hate late night.

None of this is working out, and I'm on my own.

I want another holiday. One that I don't have to come back from.

I liked it better when it was just labyrinthitis. This is far more destroying.

And it all comes down to fear.

It's stupid isn't it, if someone tells you to be nice to yourself for once, just for a couple of minutes, and you find it so impossible that it makes you cry. Really stupid.

"like you were never there for me, and i didn't even want you to be"