High Life Scenery

Ugh. Okay, so I'm almost alright now. The last two weeks have been this sort of crazed madness of stress and general fails.

So I've stopped waking up at 5am and started eating properly again, and I'm finally planning my essay which means my head feels much less like it's going to explode now. Somehow I just let everything pile up.

And yeah, I still feel like I don't know enough and like I should probably do a photography degree just to get by, but I'm trying to be slightly braver. Not so afraid of everyone. And certainly less looking petrified.

It's my birthday on Friday. And my essay is due in as well. I hope all will be okay. Deciding what to do is impossible, no one is ever going to want to go to the same places. Cambridge sucks.

Nothing much else seems to be happening right now. I'm completely behind with Infinite Jest. Currently things are just a balance between working, drinking and working.

It poured with rain earlier. Unusually heavy rain. But fairly short lived. I felt like wandering around in it, like it might make me feel better. Except last time I went for a walk in the rain I don't think it really helped.

So instead I took some photos of the clematis round my window. ^ is the result.

Oh. And I got a new phone. It is shiny and slidey = awesome.

bai.x.

So Sorry

Paralysing self doubt.

Too much happening.

Starting Now

So stressed.

Look.

"scrub away all these thoughts I think of you"

No More Words

Feeling strangely peaceful today. Spent last night drink large quantities of Pimms and hanging out. A good way to end 3 days of far too much working. 

It's been far too long. And I still haven't written all about Stockholm, but I will, when things are less crazy and I have time to actually process my thoughts instead of feeling like I should be working constantly. 

It's interesting though, I've been noticing over the last few weeks that I don't need the internet as much as I used to. It's not an integral part of my day, I don't need to check Facebook when I get home if I'm too tired and just want to go to sleep. Which is great. In a sort of "I was a massive dependent loser" kind of way. 

Amazing things have happened. I went to Clare May Ball and saw Feeder. For the first time. Despite having liked them since I was 13. It was unbelievable, and I think I was probably the most excited I've ever been. Like more excited than any of the times I've seen Nada Surf. I didn't even know I could be that excited. Wow. 

Feel like I should be stressed, but I'm just not. I'm quiet and content and in a minute I'm going to go and make blueberry muffins. 

Reading 1984. Starting Infinite Jest on Monday, or before if I finish 1984 sooner than that. I like reading at the moment. Just wish I could find more time to do it. 

I'll write about Stockholm and all the other stuff that's happened recently soon. When I've got more time. So for now.

bai.x.

I'm in the business of loving you til you choke

Zero

Today it's all about Malcolm Middleton, democracy and not working. 

Somehow I've lost the panic that used to drive me to do my essays. Not good. 

Feeling pretty democratic after voting this evening. 

I'm listening to the 3 or 4 tracks off Malcolm Middleton's new album Waxing Gibbous that are up on his myspace over and over. Tomorrow I intend to go out and buy the album. I think this will be the first album in a while that I haven't downloaded before buying. But judging on those few tracks, it'll be worth the money. 

bai.x.

Save

Stockholm = awesome. Post about that coming soon.

Essay to do *frown*

Bought a pretty dress today. It is pretty and red. 

Feeling a bit stressed out about the whole political situation. Ousting Gordie from power? Somehow it feels inevitable that David will be Prime Minister within the next year. Do not want. Not only are his economic ideas ridiculous, but now he's making friends with crazy conservatives in Poland who think homosexuality is a "pathology". Uh. Yeah. Okay...

Don't know whether to waste my vote on Labour tomorrow. Somehow I'd rather show support for a sinking government than anyone else. 

I hope it's like Chris says it'll be, and that we'll have a couple of Cameron years, and then Labour will get itself back together and everyone will vote for them again. Can only hope.

I'm pretty glad Jacqui Smith's gone though. Never really liked her.

Should be planning my essay. Ho hum. 

So much to do, so little time. 

bai.x.

Annan Water

Fundamentally trying to make more effort

Smoked too much

.x.

The Abduction of Margaret

Stockholm in 5 days. Woop!

Working kind of hard to get all my OU stuff done before I go. It's going to be a crazy busy few days.

Whilst watching Have I Got News For You on Friday, I discovered that the BNP have a youth movement. For many reasons I find this innately disturbing. So I thought I'd have a look at their website to see the kind of stuff they're trying to indoctrinate kids with. On the surface it seems to be fairly harmless, although I did enjoy the Bible stories with the nationalist morals behind them. But is this how things start? Disaffection with a liberal government leads to radicalisation of the people leads to a party being elected who would be essentially undemocratic. I'm probably over-reacting. I guess England has never had a proper revolution and there are no signs that we're about to start now. I just don't like the idea of radical parties (right and left wing) indoctrinating children with their ideals. It's not right. 

On a slightly lol note, I looked at their proposals for education - after an article of complaining about the National Union of Teachers (or Traitors as they called it) - they want to re-introduce "Grammer" schools, and make sure all children are literate. Perhaps whoever came up with that proposal was bitter that they were never taught to spell properly...

The Hazards of Love sounds much better on good speakers. As do most things. The joy of having awesome speakers still hasn't worn off. 

Time to work.

bai.x.

Be OK

From the lowest low to the highest high. I'd quite like an equilibrium. But for now I'm happy being damn happy. And it's mostly because of these photos:

Beer festival was really good. Tried 4 different ciders - Ouse Valley, Old Goat, Old Spot and Janet's Jungle Juice, which I tried purely because of its name, although sadly it turned out to be quite gross. Had a questionable cheeseburger which was all I ate yesterday. I don't know why I choose to have crap food when I could've had nice noodles and curry and other stuff. 

Spent most of yesterday in somewhat of a mess, between waking and sleeping. But it's all sorted now. It's going to be OK. 

"give me back my broken parts"

But anyway, back to the new camera news - shiny 400D, so excited. I just need proper things to take pictures of now, except for honeysuckle (the photos of which came out better than I could've ever wanted) so I'm even more excited for Stockholm so I'll be able to take loads of photos with a proper good nice camera :) yay. I've got to read all the instructions and stuff over the next week though so I get the best out of it. 

Weirdly I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. Less stress now. 

All the Orwell reading is going well, almost finished 'A Clergyman's Daughter' which is actually a lot better than I remembered it being, still not his greatest, but definitely readable. Hoping to get 'Coming Up for Air' and 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' done before Stockholm. But I've got a lot of OU work to do as well, so that might be a bit hopeful. 

Music of the day: Greg Laswell. He sounds like the lead singer of Noah & the Whale. Crazy. 

bai.x.

Run My Mouth Off

Been sitting around. Reading lots of Orwell. Managing to acquire weird sleeping patterns, barely slept on Saturday night, slept for 12 hrs Sunday night, barely slept last night. Can't be good. 

But I've been trying to be more okay. Although now it seems like immersing myself in work isn't working as well as it was last week. Sitting in the dark and talking things over helps though. I'm trying. Still feel uneasy sometimes, but I know it'll pass, even if it takes forever, things will change. 

Slightly paranoid about going to work tomorrow. Winding myself up about things that are probably mostly in my head, but I got so wound up on Saturday that I wanted to start punching stuff. This is never good. 

Excitement for Stockholm is growing rapidly ^^ starting to try and find stuff to do, like palace tour! and a gallery with Edvard Munch paintings in, and what looks like the best museum/zoo/gardens ever = *yay!*

Nothing else is happening though. Feeling anti-social this week, so I'm going to go and make food now, and then I'll drink beer and watch CSI. Woo.

"all my days they end too slow"

bai.x.