Photosynthesis

I'm beginning to understand why so many men have a man crush on Frank Turner. Been listening to him a lot this week. He makes me smile. I was sitting at the bus stop yesterday smiling away to myself whilst he sang about giving himself a mohawk. 

Sitting here, should be doing my assessment, but rarely it's one of the ones I actually feel like I can do, so I'm procrastinating in a good way rather than a panicked "I can't do this so I'll leave it til the last minute" way. 

Went to see Chrif on Tuesday. We looked at going to Europe next summer and became massively over excited about going to this Croatian island called Vis. The excitement was mostly generated by the fact that they have an Antifascist Combat Day on 22 June, and we were like, clearly we have to be there for that. There are problems in the logistics of wanting to go round Europe though, in that, if you want to go to Oslo, St Petersburg, Istanbul, Athens, Rome, Barcelona, Prague, Krakow, Amsterdam, Brussels, VIS (just to name a few) and pretty much go through every country then...what order do you do it in, and how long is it going to take when there'll probably be a lot of overlap? I guess we've got a year to work it out, but I know it'll be a lot of stress for me. 

It seems like I'm going to have a break in my OU stuff come around this time next year. I'll have about 6 months between courses. So I'll probably take that time off and do the Europe thing. If I have enough money maybe I'll go to Seattle. But I doubt I will. Oh Seattle. 

Generally speaking I've been feeling better the last couple of days. This is the first time I've managed to not think about something, normally all I do is obsess over the same things and can never get anything out of my head. And also I've realised that this is probably the first time that I've drunk alcohol when feeling crap and it's actually made me feel better rather than worse. So it's all good really. Not that I'm going to become an alcoholic or anything, I'll just drink a bit more to balance my mood. 

Going back to London next weekend, which will be aawweesome :) going to see Woodpigeon in all their folky glory. And eat amazing Thai food cooked by a Thai bride. Yay?

So yeah. Everything is on the up. I hope. 

bai.x.

"I won't sit down, and I won't shut up, and most of all I will not grow up"

Who's the Enemy?

Having a mini-Feeder revival at the moment. Listening to Silent Cry on my biiig speakers for maximum effect. 

Submerging myself in some vague attempt at work to distance myself from everything else. 

I thought it would get painful spending so much time alone, but it's actually okay. I've got me-time, something that despite having months of unemployment I don't seem to have really had for ages. 

The next attempt to sort my life out is about to come into effect. I know I'll never achieve it though. 

Got paid. Bought tickets for PoBPaH and Joy Formidable. Yay. Probably going down to see Chrif this wee, and next week when we're going to see Woodpigeon hopefully. 

Assessment to do between then and now though. Ho hum. 

Bought a massive poster of David Hockney's Pearblossom Highway today. Am well excited. But it's going to take a while as it's coming all the way from America. Who cares. I've wanted this poster for ages. And now my walls are bare, they're like a blank canvas that I'm starting all over again on. Because that's what I'm doing so much. Starting all over again. 

bai.x.

This Time

I'm starting to realise the down-side of my coping mechanism of getting really angry at people and cutting them out of my life. If they don't deserve that, but if that's the only way I know how to cope, then what's the answer? 

There has to be another way, and I'm fighting so hard against myself, but I can't win. Trying to pretend I'm fine, and that it doesn't matter and it doesn't hurt. But it does. And I'm not. 

And now I'm even more alone than I was before. I saw it coming and did nothing. 

My walls are empty. Somehow it makes my room brighter, but much more depressing. All I've got now is Edvard Munch's picture and words of insanity above my bed. 

The sun helps though. I think if it was raining things would be worse somehow. Work tomorrow. Maybe that will help as well. I could've done with seeing James tomorrow, but instead I'll do some retail therapy. I don't care if I don't have any money. 

I need to be better by the weekend so I can do my assessment. That's the only stipulation for all of this. 

bai.x.

Tessellate

Only freaking out a bit. 

Work is much better now, but will probably get a little bit worse next week. 

Not feeling so great. 

Made lasagne today. Parents leaving again. Feeling stressed out by it. 

Tokyo Police Club are awesome. 

Trying not to be so dependent, but I really need a hug right now. I know I'm going to get so lonely over the next 10 days. 

So little to write. I don't know where all my time goes.

Brave New World is unquestionably disturbing. Although 1984 is no better as a depiction of the future, I definitely prefer it. 

bai.x.

Winter Hill

Easter time.

Things are getting better. Or at least feeling more manageable for now. 

Doves album is getting slightly better each time I listen to it, but still nothing amazing. 

Not much to report. Bat for Lashes on Monday. 

It seems McCarthyism is coming back. Never good news. 

bai.x.

Shove It

Really frustrated. Not entirely sure why I bother. Just to be ignored. 

Punching things. 

My head was beginning to clear and now it's just getting messed up again. I can't seem to maintain an equilibrium, and I still haven't got my appetite back. 

So I'm afraid all over again.

But what does it matter?

Keep pushing.

bai.x.