Maybe Lately

I've spent the last few days watching most of the first season of the West Wing. It is amazing. Like my new favourite TV series. Better than CSI? Quite possibly.

Other than that, a lot of Christmas-ing has been going on. Got some cool stuff, such as a ukulele. A dark purple one. Oh yes. I'm learning to play it now, it's kind of difficult because I keep going to play guitar chords, and then realising it only has 4 strings.

Today I went to see Avatar - in 2D, because I don't think I could cope with 3D. It was really good, but I kept thinking that the Na'vi were a lot like the American Indians. Killed because they were in the way of something white people wanted but didn't need. Except (not to ruin the ending, but it's pretty obvious how it ends anyway) this time the supposedly "lesser race" won. Is it strange that films have to try and teach us to respect other peoples way of life?

A few months ago I read this book called 'Ishmael' which was about how our people basically have purged the earth of all its resources out of unnecessary greed, and that if we lived how people we considered 'primitive', just taking what we needed, letting nature take its course, then the world wouldn't be on the edge of death, and we wouldn't need to find alternative ways to feed our greed. It actually made a very reasonable point, and put me in a strange state of mind, like you never see things from that kind of point of view. But despite the valid point the book makes, it would be hopeless trying to implement a reversal of everything we've built - or at least slowing the growth. We will always produce food surplus to requirement, there will probably always be people having children they can't afford to feed because they are impoverished, and we will continue to destroy our world piece by piece.

We slaughter what is in our way, and when it still refuses to move, we wipe it out. That's a sad way of living. But it's exactly how Avatar paints us. And by the end I felt disgusted by those men who wouldn't give up until the Na'vi were out of the way - dead or alive. And whilst I personally wouldn't be one of those people - I am unquestionably a member of that race. It's sad that in both fiction and reality we have little respect for other cultures, for people who live their lives differently to us.

hmm.

Sleep

Times keep changing. And i can't decide what to do. Am i destined to keep going round in circles? There has to be a time when i realise i can't fix this, and so just go back to what i know.

I wish someone else could make my life decisions for me.

Fireworks

Life feels kinda empty right now.

Today I took pictures of dewdrops, listened to Kate Walsh, read Anna Karenina, started watching Magnolia, and started doing work on evangelism and slavery. Cool.

Maybe I'll make gingerbread men tomorrow. Or a gingerbread house.

Yeah.

bai.x

Spitting Games

What do you do when you come across someone from your past you thought had disappeared?

Do you try finding out if they remember you?

Or do you let them stay in the past, in case they're not who you remember them as?

Halp.

I Don't Care What You Call Me

I love David Ford.

I forgot how wonderfully miserable he was.

Today has been a day of strange flashbacks.

Are You Ten Years Ago?

My albums of the decade list. This may or may not be somewhat coloured by what I've been listening to recently. I may revise it at new year. They aren't in a massively specific order after the top 10.

here goes:

1. Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

2. Nada Surf - Let Go

3. Doves - The Last Broadcast

4. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife

5. Jenny Owen Youngs - Batten the Hatches

6. The Shins - Oh! Inverted World

7. Tegan and Sara - The Con

8. Damien Rice - O

9. The Arcade Fire - Funeral

10. Feeder - Comfort in Sound

11. Los Campesinos! - Hold on now Youngster

12. Muse - Origin of Symmetry

13. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

14. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

15. Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight

16. Frank Turner - Sleep is for the Week

17. The National - Boxer

18. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

19. Regina Spektor - Soviet Kitsch

20. Michelle Branch - The Spirit Room

21. Peter Broderick - Home

22. Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid

23. The Dears - Gang of Losers

24. The Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur

25. Woodpigeon - Treasury Library Canada

26. Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell

27. Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line

28. Miracle Fortress - Five Roses

29. The Long Winters - Putting the Days to Bed

30. Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up Til It Was Light

31. Headlights - Kill Them With Kindness

32. Maritime - We the Vehicles

33. Laura Veirs - Saltbreakers

34. The Helio Sequence - Keep Your Eyes Ahead

35. David Ford - I Sincerely Apologise For All The Trouble I've Caused

I feel like I could keep going for a lot longer. I didn't really want to duplicate bands, hence awesome albums such as Narrow Stairs not being on the list. It was originally only 30, and then I just looked over at my CD rack and was like "ohhh but what about that..."

It's weird to think that those are the albums that have shaped the most formative years of my life. Particularly coming back to the Last Broadcast which was what started me on indie music in the first place. There should probably be embarrassing stuff on there as well, like S Club 7, but...maybe not.

Year End list to come soon.

Crazy World

Hello.

Got a lot of time. Implementing proper work plans so I get it done. Timetabling my days etc.

I've started doing this. It will be fun. Sort of. If I remember to keep doing it.

Thinking about compiling my 'top' lists of this year, and also the decade. I think I'm going to have to have a top 30 or 40 for albums of the decade.

Not much else is happening.

bai.x.

Brighter Discontent

I can hear the rain outside. Even over Allison Weiss's lovely voice.

Feeling so much better after making these decisions. I can see a future again. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause.

Today is all about lyrics:

"i forgot what it felt like, to feel so alive

packing my suitcase, changing my mind"

"all these things should make me happy

make me happy to be home again

but love is not these belongings that surround me

though there's meaning in the memories they hold"

I went to London to see my sister today. I never feel alone in London. Travelling from place to place, surrounded by hundreds of people. It's kind of comforting in a weird way. You never see the same people twice, they're all going about their lives, they disappear. Like looking at a much bigger picture, seeing the world and feeling insignificant but in a good way. It's a feeling I appreciate. Because coming home is always the sad part.

x

Learning to Breathe

I'm so done.

Starting over.

Sometimes you think you've made a mistake, but then it actually turns out you were right the first time around.

Things are getting fucked up. And there's a lot to sort out.

But it'll be alright in the end. Yes.

"I could use a fresh beginning too"

Centennial

"you've never heard of fiction, you've never heard of fact"

Reading number9dream. I bought Cloud Atlas over a year ago, and have never got past the first couple of pages, but this I'm getting into. It's good. I think after reading a lot of Murakami recently, I now like things that are set in Japan.

Spent the afternoon contemplating life decisions. Looking for jobs. Looking at OU courses. Looking for places to live. Of course nothing is certain, and I don't have any real plans, apart from a bit of change. With most of my friends finishing their degrees this year, I'm starting to feel like I don't want to wait another 2 years or more to finish mine. My life is on hold until I've got that piece of paper. I can't get a real job in art without it.

Glad my parents have returned. I get really disconnected when I'm living alone. I hate it. One or two days is okay, but 10 is horrible. This is proof I could never live alone in the real world.

Keep putting off all this stuff. Going to sort things out on Tuesday. Then maybe I can get out of the habit of hating myself.

Tokyo Police Club. Pains of being Pure at Heart. Azure Ray.

Work tomorrow. Ew. It's weird, on Friday I felt like I was really okay with it all - but it's that feeling, like however well I'm getting on, it's not enough, and I don't belong there. It's uncomfortable. That's the only way to describe it.

bai.x.

Dark Was The Night

I hate late night.

None of this is working out, and I'm on my own.

I want another holiday. One that I don't have to come back from.

I liked it better when it was just labyrinthitis. This is far more destroying.

And it all comes down to fear.

It's stupid isn't it, if someone tells you to be nice to yourself for once, just for a couple of minutes, and you find it so impossible that it makes you cry. Really stupid.

"like you were never there for me, and i didn't even want you to be"

Vegetable Car

Been a while.

Not much to report.

Saw Tegan and Sara. They were pretty awesome.

Got a new lens. It is also pretty awesome.

Just taking the days as they come.

Always trying to convince myself. It's not easy.

Feeling chubby. Put on weight whilst I was ill because I had to sit around. Gah.

this is my favourite photo i've taken.

-

I've been thinking about this for the past couple of days. My body is screaming at me to stop, or slow down. This is why i'm ill, this is why i'm not getting better.

The more i think about it the more i realise everything that's happened this year has piled up. I'm sitting in the shadow of a mountain i can't even begin to work out how to destroy.

Certain things and certain people are only making matters worse. And i don't even know where to begin.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress.

What am i supposed to do?

Alligator

a very old photo.

not much to report.

Deceptacon

Starting to feel better now. Dizziness is basically gone. So I'm just left with this weird emptiness, feeling like I should still be ill, and not doing anything or achieving anything. In a lot of ways I can't wait to go back to work.

Missed Los Campesinos! and Frank. Completely gutted.

Starting to stick things back on my walls now. But I don't know what I want or how I want it to look. I'm used to it being blank.

I'm hoping I'm just feeling like this because I've been sitting around doing nothing for a week and a half. One way or another I've got to snap out of it because I've got so much to do now I'm recovering.

bai.x.

On Directing

I'm so bored of being ill now.

I realised yesterday that I was only beginning to feel a bit better because I was sitting around doing nothing/sleeping for 3 days. Then I went for a walk, and now I'm back to serious dizziness and crappiness. It's becoming massively frustrating not being able to do anything. I'm even bored of Facebook, and that's saying something. There doesn't seem to be anything I want to watch, all the DVDs I own I don't want to watch. All I want to do is read, and that makes me nauseous.

I couldn't go to Oxford, and now it looks like I probably won't be able to see Los Campesinos! or Frank Turner on Weds & Thurs. A couple of weeks ago those things were my things to look forward to. And now they've all be ruined by this stupid illness.

On the bright side I took some pretty photos on my walk yesterday. And I got the confirmation through that my exam has been deferred. Woo.

And hopefully in the next week or so, Sainthood and the special Tegan & Sara books I ordered with it will arrive. Currently listening to the album streaming on their myspace. It's really good. Although I can't wait to listen to it, proper quality, through my big speakers.

I really need to find something I can do that doesn't make me dizzy.

Going to have some vegetable soup.

bai.x.

Oh No

My patience is wearing thin.

I'm going to stop doing stuff for people cos I get fuck all back in return.

Time to start being more selfish. That probably sounds horrible. But there's a fine line between trying to be selfless, and being really stupid.

"no we're not ready for hell"

Here Is A Heart

Okay, so the weird dizziness is now explained: apparently I have labyrinthitis. Which is horrible. And makes me feel disorientated and nauseous. Hopefully it will disappear soon. Because I have a 3 hour bus journey to Oxford on Saturday, and no one wants to feel ill when on a bus for that long. It's just not cool.

So I bought Tellison's album. It came today. And I got a Sub Pop sticker, and a load of flyers (including one with Johnny Foreigner on) and a little message from a guy called Ollie telling me I'd made an excellent choice (I definitely have). Aww. It made me so happy. Sending me stickers and personalised messages are definitely the way for record labels to win my heart. So now, congratulations Banquet Records, you are my second favourite label to buy stuff from.

I met the new guy at work today. First time I've met him, even though he's been working there about a month, or more now. But he seems nice enough.

Didn't do my exam, but hopefully it'll be deferred to April, so I'll do it then instead - more time to prepare/have less of a nervous breakdown about it.

The thing about labyrinthitis is that it can apparently be caused by extreme stress. Which undoubtedly explains a lot.

bai.x.

Disaster! Disaster!

These are times when I wish I was in Chicago.

My body hates me. So does my brain.

Amory

It looks like I may not be taking my exam tomorrow after all.

Woke up this morning feeling dizzy again. Except, now rather than being intermittent and random, as it has been over the last week, it's persistent - making concentrating/revising/writing pretty difficult. It's making me pretty uneasy, because, what the hell causes that?

Going to the doctor tomorrow. Hoping it's nothing weird or bad.

Johnny Foreigner were great last night, and their support band Tellison were particularly awesome.

bai.x.

Smiling At Strangers On Trains

I am really tired.

I have a 50mm lens.

this.is.geometry

I'll make more effort after my exam on Monday.

Right now I have so little headspace.

bai.x.

Rocks & Daggers

Once upon a time...

I procrastinated all day, dyed my hair, ate cake, and fell in love a little bit with Noah & the Whale and John Mayer.

And started a photoblog from the ashes of my failed attempt at Infinite Summer: here

Monday Monday Monday

In some attempt to reinvent myself, today I bought hair dye. Whilst not being particularly inventive or different, I've decided to dye my hair chestnut brown. I'm going to do it tomorrow and am vaguely excited.

This afternoon, for the first time ever (that I remember) I broke a guitar string.

Worried that I'm being too complacent about my revision. All I did today was sit in the pretty new library for an hour and write down some examples as well as doing a bit of reading.

Talking of the new library, it is my new favourite place in the world. It's so pretty and new and shiny and is actually a place other than my room where I can work. So I'm going to be spending many an afternoon sitting in there I think. I've yet to explore the art section (my trips are taking it one floor at a time) - but hopefully it'll be more extensive than it used to be.

Making butternut squash soup again. There has to be an easier way to cut up a butternut squash. But it just doesn't seem to exist for me - I just end up with aching arms and blistered fingers. But, it's one of the ingredients they let people use on Masterchef, and they only have like, an hour to cook a meal - it takes an hour for me to cut up a squash. Fail.

bai.x.

The First Days of Spring

Autumn is beautiful. Yesterday I went for a walk as the sun was setting, and it was so pretty. I love bare trees silhouetted on sunsets.

I'm inordinately happy again. Things are so much lighter now. I think a lot of it is to do with having music back. Like, it had been 14 months since I last wrote a real song, until a few weeks ago, and now all I want to do is sing and play my guitar and record stuff. It's strange how I can be out of it for so long, and then it just comes back with a greater power. I guess it was impossible to write whilst so much stuff was happening, but now it's all slowed down, I can pause and reflect, and write. It's so much a part of me, and a lot of the time I think I avoid it - but having it back makes me feel so much stronger.

Got a lot of revising to do. But it's going alright. Feeling reasonably positive.

Not much else has been happening. Lots to look forward to in the coming weeks - JoFo, Oxford, LC! and Frank Turner. And Tegan & Sara's new album. It's a good start to the next year.

In serious retardation I spent the whole day writing the date as 09/09/09 today. Fail. I just like dates when it's the same number all the way through.

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize = more happiness. He is a legend.

Time for tea.

bai.x.

Hell

"when we get up and over it and over them"

Today was hard work.

Tomorrow will be harder.

Listening to Tegan & Sara's new single over and over.

I am so excited for Sainthood now.

And I can't wait to see them live.

Yay!

bai.x.

Love, Ire & Song

"and if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible"

"if we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking then we might as well have a parade"

Live Fast Die Old

"and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving"

I'm really fighting myself on everything. All my fears. It would be so easy to give up now. But I realised earlier, that I could've given up months ago, and I didn't, and it was for a reason. So it wouldn't be to any benefit for me to put myself back in the position I was exactly this time last year. It's just difficult. I look at how I was those few months ago, and I was such a mess that I wouldn't blame anyone for having a bad impression of me. But I can't change that now, even though that's not who I am or want to be. Even now I'm not that person, I can't erase those months, and part of me wishes I could, so much. Except the rest of me doesn't believe in having regrets.

I was watching Being Erica today. And I realised that this is the only thing I'd go back and change. Because it's difficult to live with - the constant knowledge that you can never be sure if people are genuine, what they say when you're not around.

It's like being back in school. I know I shouldn't worry, and that I probably make it worse in my head than it actually is. Sometimes though, however hard you try, even when it's not obvious trying, it never makes any difference.

I'm relying on Frank and Maritime to keep me okay.

I guess there'll always be places you don't fit, or people you don't fit with. But that doesn't mean running and finding somewhere else you do fit, it just means working harder.

"it seems so out of context"

She'll be gone soon. I'm just glad I get to see her one last time. It's the cause of the biggest smile I've had all day.

I really hate being so inconsistent.

Unstoppable

No. I won't let you bring me down.

Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1

Today is about determination.

I want to immerse myself in work. Get stuff done. Learn stuff. I'm done with blank looks and feeling like I don't fit. I've got to keep up. Because progress doesn't keep being progress if you stop trying to progress. (obviously).

In the spirit of everything relating to this, I walked to Trumpington this evening, as my first autumn walk of the year, which was super awesome, and I ate salmon for the first time in my life. It wasn't that bad.

Honestly this week has been a bit of a blur. Trying to convince myself to revise etc. But y'know. I'm all done now.

There was other stuff I'd thought of to write, but it was the other day, and I've forgotten now.

Consistency is important. Maybe I should add that to my list - "be more consistent".

I like singing at the moment. It's all that got me through today.

All I want is for the next 12 months to be drama-free. And if that means spending all my time alone and working then so be it. I'll probably be much more content that way.

bai.x.

"and i think that i like her, cos she tells me things i don't want to hear"

Skips A Beat (Over You)

Making goals and promises to yourself is horrible. And difficult. Because yesterday I was all like "yeah, I'll do this and I'll get all this done" and today I was like "oh Jesus I'm going to fail". It's impossible to break big textbooks into small chunks and pretend to yourself for an hour that you only have to read that one chunk and not the rest of the book. This is my issue.

And I've made a whole list of stuff that I want to do, or be able to do in the next 12 months, and after today's display of dedication to my own cause, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll just get to this time next year and be like "fuck."

But being positive. Yes, being positive. Sitting on the floor. Getting pins and needles. Being positive.

Ow.

It's weird. When I was at Hills I really hated the regimented essay planning/weeks of revision thing they had going. But I could seriously do with some of that right now.

bai.x.

Naïve

I found a mix CD I made forever ago - it has the Kooks on it. Aw.

I also found a piece of paper with the following on it - it was written by Jon Foreman to go along with Switchfoot's album 'Nothing is Sound'. My favourite parts are in bold.

In 1991, when Rolling Stone interviewed Dylan on the occasion of his 50th birthday, he gave a curious response when the interviewer asked him if he was happy. He fell silent for a few moments and stared at his hands. "You know," he said, "these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It's not happiness or unhappiness, it's either blessed or unblessed". This record was written somewhere between the blessed and the unblessed, between the godly and the ungodly by a few young urban professionals from San Diego. These songs are dreams and questions, bleeding together, breathing in and out - always somewhere between life and death. And I feel this tension, this distance now more than ever, like a numbing ache...deep inside. The distance between the way things are and the way they could be, the distance between the shadow and the sun. And this is where we exist: within the paradox. Living out our lives: oxygen and carbon and hydrogen and so on... This record was the attempt to make something beautiful in filthy backstage dressing rooms everywhere, trying to sing something true with a broken hear. This record was written about things that I don't understand. And yes, there's more than a wink of irony in all this: making music from our most intimate thoughts and selling these songs online for a dollar a pop. Singing an anthem every night about how "we were meant to live for so much more" and many times feeling like a failure; singing "I dare you to move" and feeling trapped. Both loving and hating all the fuss that the music has brought. Knowing that even Rock and Roll, perhaps the best job in the world will not make me happy (in the yuppie sense of the word). And yes, this American life is absurd! a strange paradox indeed... Perhaps no amount of money, sex, or power has ever satisfied us before, but maybe today will be different! Maybe this new purchase will make me happy! And the sun rises and sets once more - another day, another dollar. A carbonated beverage will help to chase your insecurities away. This new product will help to fill the meaningless void I feel inside. And so I drink the beverage, wear the clothes, and watch the war on TV. meaningless. meaning less. Do we hunt our ridiculous surburban dreams like the neighbourhood cat? Have we quietly fallen in line with the advertisement? Are we driven by ego uncontrolled, our lives simply vain pursuits of meaningless ends? Do we attempt to validate our existence by material means, relational acquisitions, sexual conquests, fiscal achievement, and cultural prowess? It was another Jewish man who said something like this a while back - "'All is meaningless', declares the teacher, 'meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless'". For me, there is a terrible, wonderful freedom in coming to terms with these un-happy, un-yuppie words. It's a strange consolation in our dizzy and breathless race for happiness to find that you will never outrun the horizon. It's an avalanche you can't escape. It's a fatal wound that you cannot heal. If you fall on this rock you will be broken, if it falls on you, you will be crushed. You see, this album started with a blow between the eyes that I'm still recovering from, that's really all I've got to offer these days. So in the half-light glow of radio shows, music videos, and greedy billboard charts I am aware of a darkness that is beyond me, I am coming to terms with my unbelief. No I don't believe in rock and roll. No I don't believe in the success that we've achieved. And no, I don't believe in me. In a free market world of the bought and sold I feel caught in between. I believe I've heard about a man who was exploited to sell everything from indulgences to the wars of men. And yet he offered only one bitter pill that was not easily marketed. Maybe that's what this record hopes to be: a simple bitter pill of truth that steps outside of our hamster wheel and looks up at the stars and beyond. Maybe Dylan was right when he said rock and roll isn't rock and roll anymore. I've met so many lonely, desperate, beautiful people over the past few years. Yeah, I've got a bitter pill to swallow, but it might just be true. Maybe our lives drift quietly by and we can't stop the current. Maybe this modern river leads to the sea of death, where no medicine can cure these ills. Perhaps our restless wanting is satisfied only outside of ourselves. It was another Jewish man who said something like this, "If you seek to gain your soul you will lose it." I am on a journey that will one day come to final terms with these words.

Mm.

I'm cold. On the subject of Bob Dylan, I've finally listened to Blonde on Blonde, the album that inspired one of my favourite Nada Surf songs.

Cleaning is therapeutic. Finding all the pieces of my life that I've chosen to hold on to.

I feel like I've been so busy. This week has just disappeared. London was good.

I'm making a concentrated effort not to worry about things that are out of my control.

The new library opens on Tuesday, and it's come at just the right time, so I know I can escape somewhere and do my revision.

My new books came the other day. I enjoy the feeling of naïve happiness that comes with starting a new course, everything is so exciting, and I feel like I believe that I'll enjoy every moment of it, even though I know that's so not true.

But it's going to be alright. Everything is going to be fine.

Contemplating becoming a musician again.

bai.x.

Dust of Ages

http://www.schmap.com/newyork/sights_panorama/p=5367/i=5367_189.jpg

Check me out. I got one of my photos published on this website. ^

Doing lots of tidying and stuff. Proper update later.

x

Rinse

"what if i'm not what you think"

Essay = done. Course = almost over. Just an exam to revise for now. I woke up this morning desperate to do more work. It's weird, every time I finish an essay I feel an overwhelming desire to get loads of work done, except this time around I didn't have anything to do apart from revise. I'm putting the beginning of revision off for a couple of days, but I'm going to try and do lots before my new course starts, so it all doesn't pile up at the same time. Now that's organisation.

So instead of doing work, I went to the library, and then to Waitrose to buy food for next week, when I'm going to be cooking lots :) which I'm looking forward to. Then I came home and had egg and soldiers (something I haven't eaten in many years, and seems to be some sort of childhood nostalgic meal), watched Role Models (still funny), and then made butternut squash soup. Butternut squash is ridiculously difficult to cut up. I got a blister from the knife. And it's not like the knife was blunt, but it took me over half an hour to cut it up into chunks. That said, it's totally worth it. It's my favourite soup in the world.

A-Z is going pretty well. Onto albums beginning with B. Currently listening to Ingrid Michaelson - Be OK.

Work is good. It's weird how much things have fallen into place over the last few weeks. It's strange looking back months ago when nothing seemed to be working out at all. Like I said, the next year is going to be good.

Wednesday was my last night with Smem and Chris before they left to go back to uni. It's going to be weird without them, when they've both been around for ages, and I've seen them every week. But the other night was the perfect end to the summer. We went for a drink, then to the Wok & Grill and ate lots of awesome Chinese food, and then bought beer and sat in the dark on Smem's trampoline. It was one of the best days I've had in ages.

I'm back to reading Simon Schama's History of Britain. I was halfway through the first book when I stopped reading just after I started working at Fopp. Trying to get through my list of books. Still got 15 to read.

Going to go and do something productive.

bai.x.

There She Goes

So I just saw Julie & Julia. What a totally amazing film, so feel-good and funny, and like, kind of inspiring - especially as a person who never finishes anything.

In light of this, I am going to cook myself loads of amazing food next week when I'm home alone, learn to like mushrooms and fish, and maybe actually try to finish something as well.

I've been contemplating the future of my OU degree. But I've got to finish it, I mean, there's no point spending £3,000 just to give up.

This is just going to be another day like the days I have every couple of weeks, or even every day when I'm like "oh, next week I'll do things differently and I'll do this and achieve that" - I mean, I'm not kidding anyone, least of all myself. It would be good to find something to do that I could stick to, just so I don't feel like people's evaluation of how I spend my time (working 2 days a week and doing fuck all the rest of the time) is actually true.

It's just a question of finding something to do. There's no way I could cook my way through a recipe book. But y'know. Something. Anything. So maybe I can look back this time next year and be like "wow, I really stuck to something for once". That would be so cool.

Okay, I'm going to shut up now, because I'm totally raining on my happy mood. Talking of finishing things, I should probably get on with my essay. Gah.

bai.x.

Marrow

Bad idea: writing songs when you should be writing about museums and exhibitions.

I've screwed up my arm yet again. Been getting weird pins & needles in my hand over the last couple of days which worries me slightly.

Not progressing with essay or the A-Z as I should be, because I've taken to listening to the Tor/Sufjan Stevens Illinoize album.

Time Is Running Out

You know I'm procrastinating...

So I know I mentioned doing the A-Z of all my music again. Well, I've just started. Except I'm doing it by album this time, so I'll end up with a lot of songs at the end that have no album title in my iTunes, but oh well.

First albums are Absolution by Muse and Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis.

I'll update more later, when I've actually listened to more.

Also, I just realised that this definitely solves the problem I had last year of finding myself having to listen to 120 Death Cab songs in a row. Win.

bai.x.

Plenty of Paper

I hate me 8 months ago. Just looking through my notes from then to use in my essay, and they're completely shit and nothingy. This is going to be great when I start trying to revise next week. It's my final essay for this course, and I feel like I've got to do better than ever. Which is great except I'm working on the day it's due in, which is normally when I do most of the work. So I've got to restructure my week, which means not finishing the course material and trying to start it today. Well, planning at least.

Yesterday I got to work feeling lethargic and cold. I sat huddled up in my new coat hoping for a quiet day. Then I realised that I didn't need tea or coffee, but hot chocolate. Oh Starbucks caramel hot chocolate. The exact definition of a hug in a paper cup. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning and trying to avoid customers so my state of mindlessness showed as little as possible. But the afternoon was better. Selling expensive stuff to people always makes you feel like you've achieved something, even if you don't have to do any proper selling.

I just bravely removed a wasp from my room.

Happy it's almost autumn. Summer seemed to go so quickly, now that it's gone, it all seems such a blur, but I think I just wasn't even in a place where I could appreciate it. There's always next summer anyway. But autumn means pretty trees and leaves and frost in the mornings, and walks to Trumpington when it's getting dark. It means fires and gingerbread and scarves. I love autumn.

I've managed to stop biting my nails. Even if I can't stick to anything else I say I'll do, that's definitely one small achievement.

I saw Peter Broderick the other night. He is an amazing man. So talented. And only 2 years older than me. Watching him play a song with his friend Nils Frahm, I don't think I've ever seen two people seem to love what they're doing so much. Like, you see bands and it's clear they've been on tour for a while, and that that night is like any other, unless the audience are particularly awesome or whatever, and it's not that they don't enjoy it, but it's just not special. Watching Peter and Nils was something special.

He's also one of the nicest people I've ever seen. He was apologising for not having new songs, and that next time he came back he'd have new stuff, and he said the night before he was playing in Brighton, and after the show this guy came up to him and said he'd been to see him the last 3 times he'd played in Brighton, and Peter was like "I'm sorry I haven't played anything new, but next time I will" and the guy was like "yeah, and maybe you'll wear a different shirt next time". And he just laughed.

Anyway. It's midday. I should be plan plan planning away. It's cold.

bai.x.

It's Been A Year

Alone.

"i was a long, long way off"

Wishful Thinking

These are by far the cutest shoes I have ever possessed.

Progress. Progress. That's good.

Saturday night was good, if only a little messed up. I talk way too much when I drink.

I'm trying not to worry. Honestly. Well, I'm less worried than I thought I'd be.

My arm is completely screwed up. Too much guitar playing and writing. And it's not going to get a rest any time soon.

I don't really have much else to write. I've been thinking about doing the A-Z music listening thing again, because whilst I was in France I realised that there was so much stuff I never listen to.

This week feels so busy. On Thursday I'm going to see Peter Broderick. Which makes me super happy. I will be tired but blissfully happy on Friday. I hope. (Which will only be ruined by a day at work).

ho hum.

bai.x.

"these are beautiful mistakes, walking out, and staying away"

Brand New Day

"for the first time in such a long time, i know i'll be okay"

Back from France. Happy. Good. Etc.

Things always fall into places better when you're far away. I realised that every time I go away somewhere and fly home, as the plane's coming in to land, I feel really grateful that I live where I live.

You can go to places that are unbelievable, eye-opening and stunning, but home is always home.

Reading Bill Bryson's 'A Short History of Nearly Everything' on the flight home, and realising my insignificance in the universe. As Dom said, do what you want in life, because when you look at the bigger picture, you're a tiny dot, existing for a tiny amount of time in an incomprehensibly huge universe. Might as well make the most of it.

Whatever I said before I left about things changing and disappearing, it will definitely be good if they disappear. I tear myself apart over things that are so inconsequential, and I'm not going to wait around hoping. I thought I should, but it's just really wrong.

I'll pick up my guitar instead. That's where my heart should be.

bai.x.

All At Once

fuck it.

Be a Star

I've done something to my right hand. It's gone really spazzy. Gah.

Today I loved my job. Like actually. I was happy. It's so much better when there's stuff to do, or I create stuff for me to do, because standing around doing nothing is sort of stressful and dull. I found a super cute picture of a monkey, which has now been stuck on the inside cover of the repair book.

Last night was massively creepy. A weird old drunk man hit on me in the pub. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that only men old enough to be my dad like me. He said he wanted to bite Smem's nose off as well. So weird.

France in 2 days. It's going to be weird being away from work. And I'm going to miss people I guess.

3 weeks is a long time. And everything could change. Disappear. I'm just trying to convince myself to take chances before it's too late. Not that it'll really work out.

Some racing, some stopping, some skipping and hopping.

halp.

bai.x.

7th Fret Over Andres

On Wednesday evening I contemplated with Smem that maybe this hasn't been such a bad summer. Spending evenings in the pub and walking down deserted streets in the dark, sitting on Parker's Piece occasionally. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that bad.

"it's when you find that life is not a movie show"

So as the summer's ending, and my friends are going to be leaving soon, as is my brother, it's weird that I feel like everything's slotting into place.

This week has been a week of late night folk music. And the Album Leaf. My new work plan has worked really well this week, I got all my OU stuff done by Tuesday, and it was so great to wake up yesterday and be able to know I didn't have to do any work.

One more week and I'll be in France, sitting, reading in the sun, taking photos of pretty French flowers, and just relaxing. Away from everything else. It'll be good.

bai.x.

Astronaut

I just bought Transmitter Failure impulsively in the hope of getting a handwritten lyric sheet. I was going to wait to buy it until I see her, and then get her to sign it, so I had both of her albums signed, but oh well. Maybe I'll take it with me.

Feeling quietly confident about my essay this time around. This whole course has been a proper learning curve, and I'm finally feeling like I can deal with it, which almost definitely bodes well for the next course which I printed out the registration documents for today. Also, I've found a new subject of interest - the art of other cultures. I mean, that's the kind of thing that would be completely awesome to write a book about, because not only would I have to go to all these amazing places, like China and India, but it's just genuinely interesting how the art of other cultures has always been defined for us in terms of western conventions, and so to look at it from the point of view of their cultures would be really quite eye-opening and just generally cool. If I ever get to do a dissertation that I get to choose the subject of, I wouldn't mind doing that. Or Edvard Munch. He's still my main art love.

So hungry. It really is true that when you're happy you eat more. I've been eating so much this week it's ridiculous, and I just never stop being hungry.

Yeah.

bai.x.

As The Stars Fall

because everything can't always be perfect

and finding out something you could've done with knowing three years ago is always horrible.

x

This Is Our Emergency

So over the last couple of days I've been typing up all the notes I need to write this essay, and if my arm was fucked up before, it's even worse now. Somehow it seems a bit stupid to be writing this now because it hurts. But oh well. At least I'm feeling more prepared and have actual ideas about what to write for this essay. Which definitely makes a change.

The last couple of days have been pretty good. I actually feel really on top of things, like nothing's causing me stress, so it's super amazing. Well, apart from my arm a bit. But it'll be fine.

And I can take my laptop into work tomorrow and hopefully do some of my essay if we're not busy (obviously now I've said that we'll be super busy, but I always have my lunchtime...right?)

I've planned my next unit so my week is basically going to be like 2 days at work, 3 days doing OU, and 2 days to do other pointless stuff. Which works out a lot better if I can stick to it, because it should mean that I can wake up on 2 days of the week without thinking "oh fuck I've got so much work to do". Fingers crossed for that plan to work.

Did some improvised cooking today because there was nothing to eat in the house, so I made chicken with tomato, pepper and basil sauce type stuff. Which was awesome. Om nom nom. That's what I'll do on my two days of nothing, I'll cook. Yeah :)

I really hope things don't stop being good.

bai.x.

The Kids Are Ultra-Violent

Apparently I am getting lazy, because I can't be bothered to make soup as opposed to opening a carton and heating it, despite the fact that I've never made soup, and the people at Covent Garden are pretty good at it, I'm going to turn into a lazy slob.

There's a film coming out soon called "Julia & Julie" about a woman who cooks all the recipes in this other woman's recipe book. I don't know which is Julia and which is Julie, but it looks quite good. I'll probably go and see it, and come out wishing I had the dedication to do something like that, but in all honesty, I can't even commit to reading a book over the summer where I'm supposed to read about 70 pages a week. Yes it does weigh about a kilo, and yes it's not the most straightforward book in the world, but still.

Maybe I really am lazy. Maybe I need to start making soup and reading more. I have a list of 20 books to read on my wall, and only one of them has been crossed off so far.

I think to combat this, I'll use my holiday in France as soup-making and reading time, at the very least to make a sizeable dent in the number of pages I have left to read of Infinite Jest. And I'll leave my laptop at home, and stay away from the internet, and stuff.

When I was in London, I spent a few hours in bookshops, and I looked at other books by David Foster Wallace, and now I want to read all of his other books as well. But I'll have to find them from a library somewhere, because I have to stop buying stuff. I realised that my wages between October and June will cover roughly the amount I've anticipated spending on my epic train journey around Europe, and that's only if I don't spend anything.

Anyway, I need to do some work now. I've been sitting playing games on the internet all morning. I think I broke my work ethic by doing so much work in the last week that by Friday afternoon I physically couldn't write because my RSI was so bad. Win.

bai.x.

[edit: in other news, this has to be my favourite story of the week - it would've been brilliant irony if the gun had gone off whilst hidden in his flab - killed by obesity, in a totally different way...]

Of Your Mind

Milan Kundera destroyed me today.

"But in the tower where the wisdom of music prevails, we sometimes yearn for the monotonous rhythm of the soulless cry coming to us from outside."

"Love is a privilege, and all privileges are undeserved and must be paid for...the privilege of love was not only a paradise, it was also a hell."

He is one of my favourite people. Because everything he writes is so exact and true to me. These are books I'll read all my life, even when the sadness they can cause me is acute.

Today wasn't a bad day. But I don't feel so weightless. Lack of food probably. And too many expectations. I'm trying to keep the happy, really hard, it's just not so easy.

bai.x.

James

So in attempts to explain:

I've been such a massive ball of emo for the last... gah. God knows how long. But I woke up on Monday just like, ridiculously happy, for no good reason. I like it enough that I guess there doesn't have to be a good reason. And I'm still happy, even though I've maybe done some stuff in the last couple of days that would normally make me paranoid as hell and screwed up all over again.

It's insane, like I've just built a magic wall and become completely resilient to all this crap over the last few months.

So I'm carrying on, working harder than I have in a long time, starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of all the camera stuff...kind of. And with any luck the rest of this year will be good... or alright at least. I'm so tired of everything weighing me down.

"let's hit the road and leave our names at home"

Long live the queen

Resilient. And so good. Expectations of a train wreck.

From Where I'm Standing

In the same mental state roughly as I was this time 5 months ago, almost to the day. Got to get out. And once again, London is the only place I've got to go.

Just want to be alone. In a place where the lights shine brighter.

"let it fall, let it crash all around you"

Sooner or Later

"I'm your shoulder, I'm the quick drive over"

Saw Harry Potter yesterday. It was alright. Then I went and had a couple of pints and was sufficiently freaked out by the level of friendliness of the trainee staff at the Regal: "sorry to bother you, but can I take your glasses?" ...c'mon, this is the Regal... we all felt quite confused.

Anyway. Not much else has been happening. Working and working. Etc.

I've decided to go to London on Tuesday, and wander about, go to the British Museum and stuff. Just by myself. I need to get out, and London is the only place I know I can go, be alone and not get lost.

Michelle Branch's new single came out today. I'm liking it quite a lot. I'm all about music from 5 years ago right now - Switchfoot, Michelle Branch etc.

4 days of work ahead. I can only imagine a significant amount of stress-relief will be needed by the end of it. Somehow I seem to get worked up so easily at the moment. And I'm coping with it in ways I don't think my body is particularly appreciating.

This summer was meant to be fucking amazing. Now I just can't wait for it to be over, and to have autumn back.

bai.x.

"where can you run to escape from yourself?"

Animals

John asked me yesterday if I still walked to Trumpington. And I said no. I'm too lazy.

That's got to change. It's one of the bits of me I've lost.

Yes. If that's all I can get back.

Rust

Okay, so I know I'm just never writing anymore. I just can't find the time or the thought process or whatever. Too much of this week has involved me coming home drunk and passing out. I feel so tired, and I think I'm getting ill, just hoping it's not swine flu or something. It's not like I haven't been sleeping either, I mean, I've been managing at least 8 hours, and I had 10 last night, so I don't get why I'm still tired.

In general though, things are alright, apart from the too much alcohol, which is making me want to stop drinking for a little while and eat lots of vegetables and do lots of exercise. But the problem is that drinking is what we do to socialise, and I seem to be quite sociable at the moment.

But yeah. I think the general point of this was to say that this morning I played a bunch of my old songs for the first time in ages, and it was really good, like I actually felt better after sitting down for half an hour and just playing and singing. And yeah, it's not like I'll ever play in front of anyone again, but that never meant that I had to stop playing. I don't think I realised that.

Weather is funny today. Lots of rain and then sun. I'm hoping for a rainbow, but I haven't spotted one yet. Been using my camera more, took some butterfly pictures yesterday. The more I do it the more I think, am I going to end up with a career in photography? I was saying to Julian the other day maybe I'll do that and then as my mid-life crisis thing I'll open a bakery and make amazing brownies and cupcakes and stuff and it'll be great. But that's 30 years away. Oh god. I'll be 50 then. Ew.

Anyway, I better get on with some work now. Already feeling out of my depth with it a little bit. But at least in a couple of months time I'll be studying a 60 year period instead of like, a few centuries, and there will be no modernism or postmodernism involved. This makes me happy. Srsly.

bai.x.

P.S. Telekinesis is actually amazing. I haven't stopped listening to his album all week. Have to wait until it comes out here in August before I buy it though, don't really want to pay to have it shipped from America.

High Life Scenery

Ugh. Okay, so I'm almost alright now. The last two weeks have been this sort of crazed madness of stress and general fails.

So I've stopped waking up at 5am and started eating properly again, and I'm finally planning my essay which means my head feels much less like it's going to explode now. Somehow I just let everything pile up.

And yeah, I still feel like I don't know enough and like I should probably do a photography degree just to get by, but I'm trying to be slightly braver. Not so afraid of everyone. And certainly less looking petrified.

It's my birthday on Friday. And my essay is due in as well. I hope all will be okay. Deciding what to do is impossible, no one is ever going to want to go to the same places. Cambridge sucks.

Nothing much else seems to be happening right now. I'm completely behind with Infinite Jest. Currently things are just a balance between working, drinking and working.

It poured with rain earlier. Unusually heavy rain. But fairly short lived. I felt like wandering around in it, like it might make me feel better. Except last time I went for a walk in the rain I don't think it really helped.

So instead I took some photos of the clematis round my window. ^ is the result.

Oh. And I got a new phone. It is shiny and slidey = awesome.

bai.x.

So Sorry

Paralysing self doubt.

Too much happening.

Starting Now

So stressed.

Look.

"scrub away all these thoughts I think of you"

No More Words

Feeling strangely peaceful today. Spent last night drink large quantities of Pimms and hanging out. A good way to end 3 days of far too much working. 

It's been far too long. And I still haven't written all about Stockholm, but I will, when things are less crazy and I have time to actually process my thoughts instead of feeling like I should be working constantly. 

It's interesting though, I've been noticing over the last few weeks that I don't need the internet as much as I used to. It's not an integral part of my day, I don't need to check Facebook when I get home if I'm too tired and just want to go to sleep. Which is great. In a sort of "I was a massive dependent loser" kind of way. 

Amazing things have happened. I went to Clare May Ball and saw Feeder. For the first time. Despite having liked them since I was 13. It was unbelievable, and I think I was probably the most excited I've ever been. Like more excited than any of the times I've seen Nada Surf. I didn't even know I could be that excited. Wow. 

Feel like I should be stressed, but I'm just not. I'm quiet and content and in a minute I'm going to go and make blueberry muffins. 

Reading 1984. Starting Infinite Jest on Monday, or before if I finish 1984 sooner than that. I like reading at the moment. Just wish I could find more time to do it. 

I'll write about Stockholm and all the other stuff that's happened recently soon. When I've got more time. So for now.

bai.x.

I'm in the business of loving you til you choke

Zero

Today it's all about Malcolm Middleton, democracy and not working. 

Somehow I've lost the panic that used to drive me to do my essays. Not good. 

Feeling pretty democratic after voting this evening. 

I'm listening to the 3 or 4 tracks off Malcolm Middleton's new album Waxing Gibbous that are up on his myspace over and over. Tomorrow I intend to go out and buy the album. I think this will be the first album in a while that I haven't downloaded before buying. But judging on those few tracks, it'll be worth the money. 

bai.x.

Save

Stockholm = awesome. Post about that coming soon.

Essay to do *frown*

Bought a pretty dress today. It is pretty and red. 

Feeling a bit stressed out about the whole political situation. Ousting Gordie from power? Somehow it feels inevitable that David will be Prime Minister within the next year. Do not want. Not only are his economic ideas ridiculous, but now he's making friends with crazy conservatives in Poland who think homosexuality is a "pathology". Uh. Yeah. Okay...

Don't know whether to waste my vote on Labour tomorrow. Somehow I'd rather show support for a sinking government than anyone else. 

I hope it's like Chris says it'll be, and that we'll have a couple of Cameron years, and then Labour will get itself back together and everyone will vote for them again. Can only hope.

I'm pretty glad Jacqui Smith's gone though. Never really liked her.

Should be planning my essay. Ho hum. 

So much to do, so little time. 

bai.x.

Annan Water

Fundamentally trying to make more effort

Smoked too much

.x.

The Abduction of Margaret

Stockholm in 5 days. Woop!

Working kind of hard to get all my OU stuff done before I go. It's going to be a crazy busy few days.

Whilst watching Have I Got News For You on Friday, I discovered that the BNP have a youth movement. For many reasons I find this innately disturbing. So I thought I'd have a look at their website to see the kind of stuff they're trying to indoctrinate kids with. On the surface it seems to be fairly harmless, although I did enjoy the Bible stories with the nationalist morals behind them. But is this how things start? Disaffection with a liberal government leads to radicalisation of the people leads to a party being elected who would be essentially undemocratic. I'm probably over-reacting. I guess England has never had a proper revolution and there are no signs that we're about to start now. I just don't like the idea of radical parties (right and left wing) indoctrinating children with their ideals. It's not right. 

On a slightly lol note, I looked at their proposals for education - after an article of complaining about the National Union of Teachers (or Traitors as they called it) - they want to re-introduce "Grammer" schools, and make sure all children are literate. Perhaps whoever came up with that proposal was bitter that they were never taught to spell properly...

The Hazards of Love sounds much better on good speakers. As do most things. The joy of having awesome speakers still hasn't worn off. 

Time to work.

bai.x.

Be OK

From the lowest low to the highest high. I'd quite like an equilibrium. But for now I'm happy being damn happy. And it's mostly because of these photos:

Beer festival was really good. Tried 4 different ciders - Ouse Valley, Old Goat, Old Spot and Janet's Jungle Juice, which I tried purely because of its name, although sadly it turned out to be quite gross. Had a questionable cheeseburger which was all I ate yesterday. I don't know why I choose to have crap food when I could've had nice noodles and curry and other stuff. 

Spent most of yesterday in somewhat of a mess, between waking and sleeping. But it's all sorted now. It's going to be OK. 

"give me back my broken parts"

But anyway, back to the new camera news - shiny 400D, so excited. I just need proper things to take pictures of now, except for honeysuckle (the photos of which came out better than I could've ever wanted) so I'm even more excited for Stockholm so I'll be able to take loads of photos with a proper good nice camera :) yay. I've got to read all the instructions and stuff over the next week though so I get the best out of it. 

Weirdly I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. Less stress now. 

All the Orwell reading is going well, almost finished 'A Clergyman's Daughter' which is actually a lot better than I remembered it being, still not his greatest, but definitely readable. Hoping to get 'Coming Up for Air' and 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' done before Stockholm. But I've got a lot of OU work to do as well, so that might be a bit hopeful. 

Music of the day: Greg Laswell. He sounds like the lead singer of Noah & the Whale. Crazy. 

bai.x.

Run My Mouth Off

Been sitting around. Reading lots of Orwell. Managing to acquire weird sleeping patterns, barely slept on Saturday night, slept for 12 hrs Sunday night, barely slept last night. Can't be good. 

But I've been trying to be more okay. Although now it seems like immersing myself in work isn't working as well as it was last week. Sitting in the dark and talking things over helps though. I'm trying. Still feel uneasy sometimes, but I know it'll pass, even if it takes forever, things will change. 

Slightly paranoid about going to work tomorrow. Winding myself up about things that are probably mostly in my head, but I got so wound up on Saturday that I wanted to start punching stuff. This is never good. 

Excitement for Stockholm is growing rapidly ^^ starting to try and find stuff to do, like palace tour! and a gallery with Edvard Munch paintings in, and what looks like the best museum/zoo/gardens ever = *yay!*

Nothing else is happening though. Feeling anti-social this week, so I'm going to go and make food now, and then I'll drink beer and watch CSI. Woo.

"all my days they end too slow"

bai.x.

If I Didn't Know

Feeling horribly uneasy.

Using Jenny and Stephen Colbert to balance things. 

Just don't go away.

(my Hockney poster came)

"something's lost when i translate you"

Transmitter Failure

Just got my hands on Jenny Owen Youngs' new album - "Transmitter Failure" - on track 4, so far so awesome! It's different, and I can see, as she said that the main difference is that she wrote this album with a full band in mind, and so it's a much bigger and punchier sound. But she's still Jenny, and it's still good. I think my favourite so far is the opening track, even though it's only 40 seconds long it's just so... brilliantly concise. 

In other news, I made awesome cupcakes with proper icing. I am well proud ^

London was pretty great. Got very drunk on Saturday night, and ended up wandering around New Cross at 1am. Bought a chicken burger that I probably wouldn't have eaten if I'd been even remotely sober. Sunday I cooked for Chris, and made roast potatoes for the first time ever, and they were actually good... I like cooking at the moment, especially as it appears I can actually cook. Then we went up to King's Cross to the Cross Kings (genius pub name there...) to see Woodpigeon. 

I was a bit dubious about the idea of listening to poets instead of bands. My only memory of seeing poetry being recited live is being forced to go to a thing called 'Poetry Live' at the Corn Exchange when I was in Year 10, which was meant to help with our GCSE English, and I mostly remember it being horribly dull. So I wanted to get there late, but we were bored and decided to just go for 7:30. I'm really glad I got to see it all.

 The first act was Dead Poets - which I could be wrong, but I think I might remember seeing on the Latitude Poetry line-up in the past. Basically consisting of a poet and an MC each doing their bit, it was actually really entertaining and funny, they had a sort of back and forth kind of argument going about the difficulties of putting poetry and MCing together, it worked so well, I'm tempted to go and see them again if I get the chance. 

The second people were poet Aoife Mannix and her accompanying accordionist Janie Armour. They were okay, I think Aoife's words were pretty good, but I was distracted by the music and the sometimes quite lengthy gaps between lines. Also, I was a bit creeped out by Janie. She smiled a bit too much. It distracted me. 

Murray Lachlan Young was fairly awesome. His poems were amusing - like a trilogy he'd written after having writer's block and being told by his friend to smoke weed. So he'd written this weird trilogy of poems about hair. Yes. Hair. His set ended with Woodpigeon accompanying him on a 'song' he'd written about dogging. We got to join in on the chorus which went "and a-dogging I will go" and it was just generally amusing. You kind of had to be there though.

Then Woodpigeon. Oh they're so twee and folky and cute. They only played one song I really recognised, and lots of other stuff, including a cover of ABBA's "Lay Your Love On Me" which was surprisingly good. Mark, the lead guy from Woodpigeon lists ABBA as one of his favourite lyricists, so that probably explains it. The guy playing the ukulele who is (I presume) an honorary member of Woodpigeon played one of his own songs which was good - he goes under the name Honeybear. I felt a bit sorry for them though, the crowd was quite noisy at times, and after people shh-ing other people, someone then shh-ed Mark when he was trying to tell a story about the song he was about to play, and so he was like "oh, okay I'll just play the song then...". The song was a story about a guy whose wife died and then he got his sons to bury him alive because he'd seen something in a newspaper about a boy being brought back to life, so he wanted to spend a few more minutes with his wife, but the doctor didn't get there in time to dig him out, so he died. Sad and sweet. I want to find that song. If only I knew what it was called. 

So good all round. Apart from being really tired and having to leg it for the train. 

Oh Jenny. You make me happy. I'll listen to you for weeks now. [edit] I just found the sequel to the first song on the album. Oh so good. SO GOOD!

bai.x.

Seasoned Eyes Were Beaming

I've fallen in love with Sara Lov. She is awesome. I've been listening to her album pretty much non-stop all week. It's that good. Oh yes. And as a result have also discovered Devics (her band) who are also pretty good. 

Going to invest too much money in buying icing nozzle-y things so I can do proper amazing cupcake icing and make proper amazing cupcakes. I'm quite excited. 

Been working super hard the last few days, so for once I'm actually ahead. This makes me pleased, although I was quite complacent today, so I'm hoping I'll be able to keep it up, and I'll do more this evening.

What else? I read Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, and it was brilliant. I couldn't put it down. So I bought Kafka on the Shore by him, which I'm going to read once I've got through all my Orwell. Every single last bit. Only just started, on Animal Farm. It's weird, I can't remember the last time I read it, but it was definitely a long time ago, before I studied Russia and Germany in History, and so now I can see lots of parallels that I just didn't quite get before. 

Got pretty drunk last night. Was good, hanging out with Chris and Smem in Pizza Hut & the Regal. Will be hanging out in London this weekend getting equally drunk and going to see Woodpigeon. Yay. 

Things are getting better though. Maybe. Immersing myself in work. 

Other things I like at the moment: Stephen Colbert (I bought his book "I am America (and so can you!)" waiting for it to arrive), flowers, having courgettes growing in my garden, standing on motorway bridges taking long exposure photos at night.

I'm going to Stockholm to see Fi at the end of the month before she comes home :) well excited. Even though Ryanair ripped me off with their stupid £10 credit card charge. Bastards. But it will be well good. Realised this will be the first time I've ever flown by myself. Scariness. 

Anyway. I should get on with working. Lots to do. 

"something carrying me that night, I know that it was you"

bai.x.

Worse Things Happen At Sea

Explodable headspace. 

Anywhere but here.

Wonder if I'm ever right about my mental state. 

Designated fall-apart day tomorrow.

Will I let it happen?

So desperate not to be needy. 

"and i hope you're doing fine, cos me, i'm doing fucking great"

Photosynthesis

I'm beginning to understand why so many men have a man crush on Frank Turner. Been listening to him a lot this week. He makes me smile. I was sitting at the bus stop yesterday smiling away to myself whilst he sang about giving himself a mohawk. 

Sitting here, should be doing my assessment, but rarely it's one of the ones I actually feel like I can do, so I'm procrastinating in a good way rather than a panicked "I can't do this so I'll leave it til the last minute" way. 

Went to see Chrif on Tuesday. We looked at going to Europe next summer and became massively over excited about going to this Croatian island called Vis. The excitement was mostly generated by the fact that they have an Antifascist Combat Day on 22 June, and we were like, clearly we have to be there for that. There are problems in the logistics of wanting to go round Europe though, in that, if you want to go to Oslo, St Petersburg, Istanbul, Athens, Rome, Barcelona, Prague, Krakow, Amsterdam, Brussels, VIS (just to name a few) and pretty much go through every country then...what order do you do it in, and how long is it going to take when there'll probably be a lot of overlap? I guess we've got a year to work it out, but I know it'll be a lot of stress for me. 

It seems like I'm going to have a break in my OU stuff come around this time next year. I'll have about 6 months between courses. So I'll probably take that time off and do the Europe thing. If I have enough money maybe I'll go to Seattle. But I doubt I will. Oh Seattle. 

Generally speaking I've been feeling better the last couple of days. This is the first time I've managed to not think about something, normally all I do is obsess over the same things and can never get anything out of my head. And also I've realised that this is probably the first time that I've drunk alcohol when feeling crap and it's actually made me feel better rather than worse. So it's all good really. Not that I'm going to become an alcoholic or anything, I'll just drink a bit more to balance my mood. 

Going back to London next weekend, which will be aawweesome :) going to see Woodpigeon in all their folky glory. And eat amazing Thai food cooked by a Thai bride. Yay?

So yeah. Everything is on the up. I hope. 

bai.x.

"I won't sit down, and I won't shut up, and most of all I will not grow up"

Who's the Enemy?

Having a mini-Feeder revival at the moment. Listening to Silent Cry on my biiig speakers for maximum effect. 

Submerging myself in some vague attempt at work to distance myself from everything else. 

I thought it would get painful spending so much time alone, but it's actually okay. I've got me-time, something that despite having months of unemployment I don't seem to have really had for ages. 

The next attempt to sort my life out is about to come into effect. I know I'll never achieve it though. 

Got paid. Bought tickets for PoBPaH and Joy Formidable. Yay. Probably going down to see Chrif this wee, and next week when we're going to see Woodpigeon hopefully. 

Assessment to do between then and now though. Ho hum. 

Bought a massive poster of David Hockney's Pearblossom Highway today. Am well excited. But it's going to take a while as it's coming all the way from America. Who cares. I've wanted this poster for ages. And now my walls are bare, they're like a blank canvas that I'm starting all over again on. Because that's what I'm doing so much. Starting all over again. 

bai.x.

This Time

I'm starting to realise the down-side of my coping mechanism of getting really angry at people and cutting them out of my life. If they don't deserve that, but if that's the only way I know how to cope, then what's the answer? 

There has to be another way, and I'm fighting so hard against myself, but I can't win. Trying to pretend I'm fine, and that it doesn't matter and it doesn't hurt. But it does. And I'm not. 

And now I'm even more alone than I was before. I saw it coming and did nothing. 

My walls are empty. Somehow it makes my room brighter, but much more depressing. All I've got now is Edvard Munch's picture and words of insanity above my bed. 

The sun helps though. I think if it was raining things would be worse somehow. Work tomorrow. Maybe that will help as well. I could've done with seeing James tomorrow, but instead I'll do some retail therapy. I don't care if I don't have any money. 

I need to be better by the weekend so I can do my assessment. That's the only stipulation for all of this. 

bai.x.

Tessellate

Only freaking out a bit. 

Work is much better now, but will probably get a little bit worse next week. 

Not feeling so great. 

Made lasagne today. Parents leaving again. Feeling stressed out by it. 

Tokyo Police Club are awesome. 

Trying not to be so dependent, but I really need a hug right now. I know I'm going to get so lonely over the next 10 days. 

So little to write. I don't know where all my time goes.

Brave New World is unquestionably disturbing. Although 1984 is no better as a depiction of the future, I definitely prefer it. 

bai.x.

Winter Hill

Easter time.

Things are getting better. Or at least feeling more manageable for now. 

Doves album is getting slightly better each time I listen to it, but still nothing amazing. 

Not much to report. Bat for Lashes on Monday. 

It seems McCarthyism is coming back. Never good news. 

bai.x.

Shove It

Really frustrated. Not entirely sure why I bother. Just to be ignored. 

Punching things. 

My head was beginning to clear and now it's just getting messed up again. I can't seem to maintain an equilibrium, and I still haven't got my appetite back. 

So I'm afraid all over again.

But what does it matter?

Keep pushing.

bai.x.

Will's Lullaby

Reading Edvard Munch's biography again. Makes me miserable. 

I'm getting thoughtful in weird ways. I look at people and wonder if they're happy. I feel like there's too much death around at the moment. 

I'm afraid. 

There's a gap, and it can't really be bridged, it's distant past or future, and I'm starting to wish there'd been more in between so I didn't feel so awkward when talking about the past. 

"and I hope everything is going to be alright"

So afraid.

Led to the Sea

Oh. I know it's been so long. But I finally posted my Paris stuff.

I got a job. It's okay. Slightly painful. I feel horribly inadequate and useless, and I don't think I'll ever be good at it. But there you go. Such is life. I need it, I need the money, so I'll carry on as long as I have to. On my first day I thought "I'd much rather be at JET" - now there's a thought I'd never have. I would start ranting, but it's pointless and just makes me feel like crap, so I won't. 

Other news. I've moved the hi-fi which used to be the 'family' one, from my brother's room where it's been gathering dust for a few years, to mine. It's really exciting cos I like having good, big speakers, and I've just been listening to music all day going "omg that sounds so much better!". It's pretty great. 

Wisdom teeth are killing me. Not happy. Don't need more teeth thanks. 

Went for walks with Cat around Wandlebury. We found this awesome sort of teepee that someone had made out of sticks. It was cool. 

What else? Hazards of Love is out now, and I really like it. Not as much as The Crane Wife, but it's still awesome. It made me laugh though that one reviewer called Colin Meloy "donkey-voiced"... kinda harsh. Seriously looking forward to seeing them when they come over here though. Yayz. 

Jenny Owen Youngs new single has come out = more excitement. Different, but good, and I've been listening to it all week. Doves new album out tomorrow. And going to see Bat for Lashes in a couple of weeks at the Junction :)

Pheasant in the garden the other day. Randomly. So I took some photos of it ^

OU stuff is going alright, this stuff is more interesting than the last stuff, so it's all good. 

That's all for now I think. I'll try and update more often. It's not like I'm even so stupidly busy that I don't have time to write. Bla.

bai.x.

Paris is Burning

Got up stupidly early on Sunday morning to catch a train to London at 8:30. Got to St Pancras. Eurostar is actually amazing. I was laughing with Smem about how it takes longer to get to Oxford from Cambridge by bus than it does to get to Paris from London by train. It took 2hrs 15, which went really quickly. Slept through most of it, ate my Boots meal deal (woop!). Forgot to practise any French.

Benefits of choosing a hotel near to the station = practically impossible to get lost. This made me quite happy, as it literally took us less than 10 mins to find. Panicked a lot when we got there as I couldn't remember to say anything in French, so just asked the guy on reception if he spoke English. Luckily he did, so it was all good. Generally nice place. Tiny tiny tiny lift - we barely fitted in it with our stuff.

Walked up to Montmartre, there were lots of weird people that kept trying to tie things to Cat's finger... didn't really get it, but she managed to make them go away. Went up to the Sacre Coeur, it was all like Amelie, someone had even spray-painted blue arrows on the wall, like the bit where he follows the trail. It was pretty cool. 

The Sacre Coeur was beautiful inside, wasn't allowed to take photos (slightly gutted) and felt quite awkward as Mass was going on whilst we were walking round. Sun was starting to set, and so we walked around some of the back streets of Montmartre, past the Moulin de la Galette (yay), and then back to the main street in search of food. Had no idea where to go, and so we walked along just trying to find a place that didn't look too scary or had garish neon lights outside. After a bit of a walk we found a place that had the menu in French and English... of course we had to eat there. Went in, couldn't remember how to ask for a table in French, so the waitress just said "eat or drink?" to me and I was like "...eat". Had steak, chips and beer. Om nom nom. 

Next day we went to the Louvre in the morning. Walked there, was quite a long way, and should've really taken the metro. Oh well. Got there eventually. Walked down by the river, and went through one of the side entrances into the place where the pyramids are. Amazing building. Luckily it wasn't disgustingly busy. 

Managed to restrict the stuff we (I) wanted to see to one wing, started looking at the Greek/Roman sculpture, then Renaissance painting, and some sculpture, and 18th/19th century French painting, and at the end we walked through the Egyptian section. It was good to see some of the stuff I spent time studying at college, like Canova's Cupid and Psyche which I'd been convinced was fairly small, I guess when you look at pictures of stuff and don't look at the measurements for it... well, it's easy to be misled. Anyway, it was a lot bigger than I expected, a bit smaller than life size. 

Having stupidly not drunk anything, and having only eaten a croissant, I managed to get a massive headache, and then stubbornly refused to drink any water because we were in the gallery. Probably would've spent a bit longer in there if I hadn't ended up being really grumpy from lack of food. So we came out and went to Starbucks to buy lunch. Sat outside and ate in the Tuileries - it was really really windy. There were lots of sparrows about, and Cat fed them bits of her sandwich. She managed to get them to fly up and eat out of her hand, it was really cute :) but then pigeons started coming and so we stopped feeding them. 

Walked through the Tuileries, had a freak rain shower, where even though there weren't any clouds overhead it was just pouring for a few minutes, but there was a rainbow, which was cool. Crossed the river to get to the Musee d'Orsay, only to find that it was shut on Mondays. So we walked up to the Ile de la Cite to see St Chapelle and Notre Dame.

We'd been able to see Notre Dame from near the Louvre, but as we got closer it seemed to disappear, and we couldn't find it (which seems ridiculous when it's massive), so we went to St Chapelle first. St Chapelle is hidden away, there's no proper street entrance, you have to go through another entrance, and then through a courtyard. It's really quite small, but possibly the most beautiful place I have ever been. The sun was starting to go down, so it was shining through the stained glass on the right side, and it was really amazing. I took loads of photos, and we spent quite a long time in there, just staring. 

Managed to find Notre Dame after a little bit of wandering. It wasn't quite as spectacular as St Chapelle, but still pretty amazing. We walked around and I lit a candle. No hunchbacks to be seen. Decided to eat early, and found another place with the menu in French and English, so we went in. Still failing to speak even barely passable French, I think the waiter thought we were slightly retarded, or just very annoying. Had burger and chips... more of the same, but only because they'd sold out of lasagne. 

Took the metro back to the hotel, as we really couldn't be bothered to walk anymore. Hung out for a bit, went to Leader Price and bought crisps and jaffa cakes to eat later in case we were hungry, and then set out for the Eiffel Tower. Metro again. There was a horrible woman on the platform who I wanted to kick the shit out of. I don't think I've ever been that angry at a stranger. She was talking about us, and I looked at her, and she said to her friend to move away a bit cos I was looking, but they were still only about 6 ft away from us, and it was easy enough to translate bits of what she was saying and realise she was a complete bitch. Then she started talking to us and laughing at Cat and trying to work out what language we spoke because we clearly didn't speak French. If the train hadn't turned up at that point I don't know what would've happened, but it took me about an hour to calm down. 

Arrived at the Eiffel Tower, it was dark, so it was all illuminated and pretty :). It was still really windy, and I was feeling quite scared about going up. The lift was scary. Like, I had to stare at the floor because I couldn't cope with being able to see us going up that fast. It's okay when you're in solid structures and lifts without windows, because you can't see how high up you are. But the Eiffel Tower just gave me vertigo, and by the time we got to the top it was so windy that I was practically being blown backwards. Once I got over my fear a bit, it was an awesome view, could see the Sacre Coeur and the Arc de Triomphe. 

Caught the metro back to the Gare du Nord, which seems to have about a million different entrances, so we found ourselves on the wrong side of the station and didn't really know which way to go to get back to the hotel, and this weird guy came up to us and started talking to us, luckily we managed to get away and quite soon after we found which way to go. Ate jaffa cakes and crisps on the way back. 

Checked out in the morning, and left our luggage at the station. Then we walked down to the Moulin Rouge, and down the street with the most sex shops I have ever seen. A lot of them said "cabins automatiques" outside, and we were trying to work out what the hell that might involve...

Then we walked all the way back down to the river, to the Musee d'Orsay. Definitely preferred it to the Louvre, as it had more of the art I actually like, as opposed to stuff I just studied. Monet, Courbet, Renoir, Manet etc. Was massively disappointed as the floor plan said there was Munch in one of the rooms, but none of his paintings were anywhere to be seen. But the rest of it was really good. Ate in the cafe there, and then began our wander down the Champs-Elysees to the Arc de Triomphe.

As we were coming up to the Arc de Triomphe there were lots of army-type people, and they were parading up to it. We sat and watched, along with loads of other people, they were there for ages, we didn't really know what else to do though. I was looking up at the Arc when I realised there were people on the top of it. I had no idea you could actually go up it, but there's an underpass which takes you to it and then you go up an almost never-ending spiral staircase (my legs were just about to collapse by the time we got up there), there's a room with a shop and some displays and then there's another (much shorter) staircase to the top. It was a really good view, and much less scary than the Eiffel Tower.

We came back down, took the metro to the Gare du Nord, ate at Quick, because I refused to go to McDonalds, although to be honest, the food was pretty rank. Was quite relieved that that was the last time I was going to have an awkward conversation with someone in Franglais. Went back to the station, picked up our luggage and got on the train. 

Fin.