Brighter Discontent

I can hear the rain outside. Even over Allison Weiss's lovely voice.

Feeling so much better after making these decisions. I can see a future again. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause.

Today is all about lyrics:

"i forgot what it felt like, to feel so alive

packing my suitcase, changing my mind"

"all these things should make me happy

make me happy to be home again

but love is not these belongings that surround me

though there's meaning in the memories they hold"

I went to London to see my sister today. I never feel alone in London. Travelling from place to place, surrounded by hundreds of people. It's kind of comforting in a weird way. You never see the same people twice, they're all going about their lives, they disappear. Like looking at a much bigger picture, seeing the world and feeling insignificant but in a good way. It's a feeling I appreciate. Because coming home is always the sad part.

x

Learning to Breathe

I'm so done.

Starting over.

Sometimes you think you've made a mistake, but then it actually turns out you were right the first time around.

Things are getting fucked up. And there's a lot to sort out.

But it'll be alright in the end. Yes.

"I could use a fresh beginning too"

Centennial

"you've never heard of fiction, you've never heard of fact"

Reading number9dream. I bought Cloud Atlas over a year ago, and have never got past the first couple of pages, but this I'm getting into. It's good. I think after reading a lot of Murakami recently, I now like things that are set in Japan.

Spent the afternoon contemplating life decisions. Looking for jobs. Looking at OU courses. Looking for places to live. Of course nothing is certain, and I don't have any real plans, apart from a bit of change. With most of my friends finishing their degrees this year, I'm starting to feel like I don't want to wait another 2 years or more to finish mine. My life is on hold until I've got that piece of paper. I can't get a real job in art without it.

Glad my parents have returned. I get really disconnected when I'm living alone. I hate it. One or two days is okay, but 10 is horrible. This is proof I could never live alone in the real world.

Keep putting off all this stuff. Going to sort things out on Tuesday. Then maybe I can get out of the habit of hating myself.

Tokyo Police Club. Pains of being Pure at Heart. Azure Ray.

Work tomorrow. Ew. It's weird, on Friday I felt like I was really okay with it all - but it's that feeling, like however well I'm getting on, it's not enough, and I don't belong there. It's uncomfortable. That's the only way to describe it.

bai.x.

Dark Was The Night

I hate late night.

None of this is working out, and I'm on my own.

I want another holiday. One that I don't have to come back from.

I liked it better when it was just labyrinthitis. This is far more destroying.

And it all comes down to fear.

It's stupid isn't it, if someone tells you to be nice to yourself for once, just for a couple of minutes, and you find it so impossible that it makes you cry. Really stupid.

"like you were never there for me, and i didn't even want you to be"

Vegetable Car

Been a while.

Not much to report.

Saw Tegan and Sara. They were pretty awesome.

Got a new lens. It is also pretty awesome.

Just taking the days as they come.

Always trying to convince myself. It's not easy.

Feeling chubby. Put on weight whilst I was ill because I had to sit around. Gah.

this is my favourite photo i've taken.

-

I've been thinking about this for the past couple of days. My body is screaming at me to stop, or slow down. This is why i'm ill, this is why i'm not getting better.

The more i think about it the more i realise everything that's happened this year has piled up. I'm sitting in the shadow of a mountain i can't even begin to work out how to destroy.

Certain things and certain people are only making matters worse. And i don't even know where to begin.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress.

What am i supposed to do?

Alligator

a very old photo.

not much to report.