Deceptacon

Starting to feel better now. Dizziness is basically gone. So I'm just left with this weird emptiness, feeling like I should still be ill, and not doing anything or achieving anything. In a lot of ways I can't wait to go back to work.

Missed Los Campesinos! and Frank. Completely gutted.

Starting to stick things back on my walls now. But I don't know what I want or how I want it to look. I'm used to it being blank.

I'm hoping I'm just feeling like this because I've been sitting around doing nothing for a week and a half. One way or another I've got to snap out of it because I've got so much to do now I'm recovering.

bai.x.

On Directing

I'm so bored of being ill now.

I realised yesterday that I was only beginning to feel a bit better because I was sitting around doing nothing/sleeping for 3 days. Then I went for a walk, and now I'm back to serious dizziness and crappiness. It's becoming massively frustrating not being able to do anything. I'm even bored of Facebook, and that's saying something. There doesn't seem to be anything I want to watch, all the DVDs I own I don't want to watch. All I want to do is read, and that makes me nauseous.

I couldn't go to Oxford, and now it looks like I probably won't be able to see Los Campesinos! or Frank Turner on Weds & Thurs. A couple of weeks ago those things were my things to look forward to. And now they've all be ruined by this stupid illness.

On the bright side I took some pretty photos on my walk yesterday. And I got the confirmation through that my exam has been deferred. Woo.

And hopefully in the next week or so, Sainthood and the special Tegan & Sara books I ordered with it will arrive. Currently listening to the album streaming on their myspace. It's really good. Although I can't wait to listen to it, proper quality, through my big speakers.

I really need to find something I can do that doesn't make me dizzy.

Going to have some vegetable soup.

bai.x.

Oh No

My patience is wearing thin.

I'm going to stop doing stuff for people cos I get fuck all back in return.

Time to start being more selfish. That probably sounds horrible. But there's a fine line between trying to be selfless, and being really stupid.

"no we're not ready for hell"

Here Is A Heart

Okay, so the weird dizziness is now explained: apparently I have labyrinthitis. Which is horrible. And makes me feel disorientated and nauseous. Hopefully it will disappear soon. Because I have a 3 hour bus journey to Oxford on Saturday, and no one wants to feel ill when on a bus for that long. It's just not cool.

So I bought Tellison's album. It came today. And I got a Sub Pop sticker, and a load of flyers (including one with Johnny Foreigner on) and a little message from a guy called Ollie telling me I'd made an excellent choice (I definitely have). Aww. It made me so happy. Sending me stickers and personalised messages are definitely the way for record labels to win my heart. So now, congratulations Banquet Records, you are my second favourite label to buy stuff from.

I met the new guy at work today. First time I've met him, even though he's been working there about a month, or more now. But he seems nice enough.

Didn't do my exam, but hopefully it'll be deferred to April, so I'll do it then instead - more time to prepare/have less of a nervous breakdown about it.

The thing about labyrinthitis is that it can apparently be caused by extreme stress. Which undoubtedly explains a lot.

bai.x.

Disaster! Disaster!

These are times when I wish I was in Chicago.

My body hates me. So does my brain.

Amory

It looks like I may not be taking my exam tomorrow after all.

Woke up this morning feeling dizzy again. Except, now rather than being intermittent and random, as it has been over the last week, it's persistent - making concentrating/revising/writing pretty difficult. It's making me pretty uneasy, because, what the hell causes that?

Going to the doctor tomorrow. Hoping it's nothing weird or bad.

Johnny Foreigner were great last night, and their support band Tellison were particularly awesome.

bai.x.

Smiling At Strangers On Trains

I am really tired.

I have a 50mm lens.

this.is.geometry

I'll make more effort after my exam on Monday.

Right now I have so little headspace.

bai.x.

Rocks & Daggers

Once upon a time...

I procrastinated all day, dyed my hair, ate cake, and fell in love a little bit with Noah & the Whale and John Mayer.

And started a photoblog from the ashes of my failed attempt at Infinite Summer: here

Monday Monday Monday

In some attempt to reinvent myself, today I bought hair dye. Whilst not being particularly inventive or different, I've decided to dye my hair chestnut brown. I'm going to do it tomorrow and am vaguely excited.

This afternoon, for the first time ever (that I remember) I broke a guitar string.

Worried that I'm being too complacent about my revision. All I did today was sit in the pretty new library for an hour and write down some examples as well as doing a bit of reading.

Talking of the new library, it is my new favourite place in the world. It's so pretty and new and shiny and is actually a place other than my room where I can work. So I'm going to be spending many an afternoon sitting in there I think. I've yet to explore the art section (my trips are taking it one floor at a time) - but hopefully it'll be more extensive than it used to be.

Making butternut squash soup again. There has to be an easier way to cut up a butternut squash. But it just doesn't seem to exist for me - I just end up with aching arms and blistered fingers. But, it's one of the ingredients they let people use on Masterchef, and they only have like, an hour to cook a meal - it takes an hour for me to cut up a squash. Fail.

bai.x.

The First Days of Spring

Autumn is beautiful. Yesterday I went for a walk as the sun was setting, and it was so pretty. I love bare trees silhouetted on sunsets.

I'm inordinately happy again. Things are so much lighter now. I think a lot of it is to do with having music back. Like, it had been 14 months since I last wrote a real song, until a few weeks ago, and now all I want to do is sing and play my guitar and record stuff. It's strange how I can be out of it for so long, and then it just comes back with a greater power. I guess it was impossible to write whilst so much stuff was happening, but now it's all slowed down, I can pause and reflect, and write. It's so much a part of me, and a lot of the time I think I avoid it - but having it back makes me feel so much stronger.

Got a lot of revising to do. But it's going alright. Feeling reasonably positive.

Not much else has been happening. Lots to look forward to in the coming weeks - JoFo, Oxford, LC! and Frank Turner. And Tegan & Sara's new album. It's a good start to the next year.

In serious retardation I spent the whole day writing the date as 09/09/09 today. Fail. I just like dates when it's the same number all the way through.

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize = more happiness. He is a legend.

Time for tea.

bai.x.

Hell

"when we get up and over it and over them"

Today was hard work.

Tomorrow will be harder.

Listening to Tegan & Sara's new single over and over.

I am so excited for Sainthood now.

And I can't wait to see them live.

Yay!

bai.x.

Love, Ire & Song

"and if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible"

"if we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking then we might as well have a parade"

Live Fast Die Old

"and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving"

I'm really fighting myself on everything. All my fears. It would be so easy to give up now. But I realised earlier, that I could've given up months ago, and I didn't, and it was for a reason. So it wouldn't be to any benefit for me to put myself back in the position I was exactly this time last year. It's just difficult. I look at how I was those few months ago, and I was such a mess that I wouldn't blame anyone for having a bad impression of me. But I can't change that now, even though that's not who I am or want to be. Even now I'm not that person, I can't erase those months, and part of me wishes I could, so much. Except the rest of me doesn't believe in having regrets.

I was watching Being Erica today. And I realised that this is the only thing I'd go back and change. Because it's difficult to live with - the constant knowledge that you can never be sure if people are genuine, what they say when you're not around.

It's like being back in school. I know I shouldn't worry, and that I probably make it worse in my head than it actually is. Sometimes though, however hard you try, even when it's not obvious trying, it never makes any difference.

I'm relying on Frank and Maritime to keep me okay.

I guess there'll always be places you don't fit, or people you don't fit with. But that doesn't mean running and finding somewhere else you do fit, it just means working harder.

"it seems so out of context"

She'll be gone soon. I'm just glad I get to see her one last time. It's the cause of the biggest smile I've had all day.

I really hate being so inconsistent.

Unstoppable

No. I won't let you bring me down.

Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1

Today is about determination.

I want to immerse myself in work. Get stuff done. Learn stuff. I'm done with blank looks and feeling like I don't fit. I've got to keep up. Because progress doesn't keep being progress if you stop trying to progress. (obviously).

In the spirit of everything relating to this, I walked to Trumpington this evening, as my first autumn walk of the year, which was super awesome, and I ate salmon for the first time in my life. It wasn't that bad.

Honestly this week has been a bit of a blur. Trying to convince myself to revise etc. But y'know. I'm all done now.

There was other stuff I'd thought of to write, but it was the other day, and I've forgotten now.

Consistency is important. Maybe I should add that to my list - "be more consistent".

I like singing at the moment. It's all that got me through today.

All I want is for the next 12 months to be drama-free. And if that means spending all my time alone and working then so be it. I'll probably be much more content that way.

bai.x.

"and i think that i like her, cos she tells me things i don't want to hear"