Fools Like Me

So much for giving up being stupid. 

I'm running away to London instead tomorrow. 

bai.x.

Night Terror

I went on a really long walk to Foxton yesterday. Probably about 8 miles. I was looking at the map this morning and it appears that I went the wrong way which lead me to taking a detour of at least a mile. Fool. But it was fun and pretty, and the weather was nice. In places it was quite muddy, and by the time I got to Smem's I was tired and starving. But it was worth it. I think I'll make more of an effort to go on walks like that. I better buy a map though. Stupid Google maps doesn't show where footpaths are. 

I'm giving up being stupid. If that's possible. But however much unemployment I've got left, I've got to start organising my time better. And stuff. I won't be spending all my evenings on Facebook anyway, that's for sure. 

So many books to read. And I'll start doing my new course stuff tomorrow after I've painted more of my wall purple. I'm going to do some re-arranging in my room. Maybe I should listen to 'Re-arrange Us' by Mates of State whilst doing this. It would be quite apt. 

bai.x.

Cheer It On

I joined the twitter revolution (no sunlight link). Well, I joined it a few weeks ago, but now I'm actually going to start updating it, because other people are. Yes, I follow the crowd.

In massively good news, I finished my assessment, and got it to the post office with minutes to spare. I feel... *insert large amount of weight* lighter. It's really nice. And even though I say this every time, to the point where my parents laugh at me, next time it WILL be different. It has to be. I can't keep dealing with this level of panic and stress. It's ridiculous.

Going on a very long walk to Foxton tomorrow. Hope I don't get lost. Eek.

bai.x.

p.s. i've got that weightless feeling again. ahh. 

Make This Go On Forever

Okay so it's not quite that simple. 

Essay almost done, course over. Art history beginning soon. Theory test booked. 

I'm actually going to learn to drive. 

It's her. I can't....(i want to put i can't see myself, but it would be a lie, i haven't disappeared yet)

Listening to Damien Rice. It's raining. 

"the last reason to make this last for as long as i could...

the way you taught me to look past everything i had ever learned"

bai.x.

The Bachelor And The Bride

Amazing day. 

There are moments in my life where I feel like I could be perfectly content just to lie for hours and listen to the best music ever. (Not just Nada Surf). This is one of those moments. 

So what if I can't make sense of it? Does it have to make sense? I'm happy. And even if I wake up tomorrow and things aren't so shiny, it doesn't change much. 

I want to be more weightless. 

"No. I. I Will Box Your Ears. And Leave You Here. Stripped Bare."

Here It Comes

Tomorrow. 

I'm like a small child on Christmas Eve. 

Twins

Hi. 

I'm being extra lazy today. No walks, no work. I'm sitting, eating, watching TV and reading. I almost feel like I've been busy the last few days, doing OU work, seeing James, Cat, hanging out with Smem and Fi. 

So tired. I was barely conscious yesterday morning. I keep going to sleep after midnight and then through no choice of my own, waking up at 7:30. 

"so I could be jobless and nameless"

Only a few days now til Obama is president ^^ - I've started reading The Audacity of Hope to add to my general excitement about him taking over from George. It's being broadcast on TV so I'm just going to sit there on Tues afternoon watching it all happen. Wish I could be there. 

Potentially going to France in a couple of weeks. That'll make a change. 

When I was out the other night I walked past the Senate house and they were projecting stuff on to it, binary, html and pictures of cells. ^. It was pretty awesome, and so I went to meet Cat and showed it to her as well. We stood and stared. Earlier I'd been walking around in the dark, along the backs and by the river. Every time I see Cambridge in the dark I love it more. 

Things are more beautiful in the dark, because you can't see the flaws that bright light gives them. 

I was super happy. Wandering around, listening to Elliott. By the time I got home I felt like someone had trodden on my head. I guess that's the nature of being happy. It's never too long before you fall back down to earth. 

bai.x.

You Could Write A Book

It seemed like you did. 

The days are drifting in and out of one another. Today I went to the library and cooked and stuff. I'm so lazy. I don't feel like being employed anymore. Ever. 

There's just nothing to write about right now. And I so wish there was. 

bai.x.

Stopping on the Broadway Bridge

I've started underlining stuff in the books I'm reading. Maybe when I re-read them one day I'll remember that those bits were important. 

The title of this is a song by Peter Broderick. I listened to it for the first time when I was going through Pennsylvania on the train, and I remember it fitting beautifully with the amazing scenery, so now every time I hear that piano line I can close my eyes and be back on that train looking up at the rocky mountain, the river below, and all the trees with their different shades of orange and yellow. I hope that memory never fades. 

I'm going off the rails a bit. Eating loads of chocolate and being less productive than I should be. I feel like my head is going to explode with all these thoughts, things that don't even make any sense but just random snapshots that keep appearing and disappearing. I can't concentrate. And I can't get clear. 

It's really foggy today, so the frost stayed all day. Freezing cold. 

bai.x.

Better

I wish there was a way to convince people so absolutely that no doubt would be left in their minds. 

Can you believe me yet?

It's a bit ironic that I'm just as afraid. 

Always late night. 

Bloodline

I managed not to fail, by some weird miracle. I don't know how badly you have to do to fail at OU but it must be pretty damn bad. 

The boredom hasn't set in quite yet. I've got work to be doing, and I'm going for walks etc. I still have friends about. But when they're gone I'll have to look for a job before I get mental. 

Trying to go to France, but air fares are weird, and trains are expensive. Ugh. I also can't go by myself, which is gay. 

I've decided to move out. Something's got to change, and it's sure as hell not going to be my knowledge about what I'm going to do with my life. So, move out, stay around Cambridge, get crappy jobs, survive - just about. It'll work out. Kind of. 

"oh stop leaving my heart on the ground

oh stop needing my eyes to follow you around"

Oh. It snowed as well. And it was -7 this morning. Brr. Still no white Christmases. 

bai.x.

Because the Night

Am I so unconvincing?

Why am I so messy?

I say things and then it's like... fucking idiot.

Maybe I haven't been sad enough to write songs. I feel like it might be coming back. 

"One of those people who disappears because I don't try hard enough to keep them in my life"

That's how it's going to be. 

I just sabotage things so I don't get hurt later. And I hate myself for it right now. 

Fuck. 

Are We Renegade?

So tomorrow is the final day. 

Then back to unemployment. Reading all day, walking in the afternoons, and doing OU work. Somehow it's much less daunting than last time. 

I'm still scared though. For non-job related reasons. 

Weird panic attacks when you realise someone could've died. What would I do? 

I feel less worried and afraid. I think that's what she's done. She's changing me. 

So I'm trying to make plans for this year. But I don't know what I want. Chris asked me if I wanted to live with him next year, and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to live in London so much 3 months ago. I had to get out. And now I'm in this place where I don't really feel at home, but at the same time I'm perfectly happy not to leave. It really doesn't make sense. 

I mean that is weird, right? Not to feel at home in your own home. I'm just trying to work out where I'd rather be. 

h.e.l.p.

bai.x.