Do You Feel (?)

 That title does warrant a ? even if the song title doesn't have one. 

What do I do?

I can sit in the dark and eat ice cream for as long as I like, but it doesn't really solve anything. 

Maybe I need to scrap my refusing to listen to Nada Surf and Death Cab this week. 

But they won't really solve anything. 

I wish I didn't feel so burdened by this stupid essay. 

I just want to go out and get drunk with Chrif. 

Let's Talk About Spaceships

(my new best friend - if you can spot him)

I've developed an emotional attachment to a moth. Anyone who knows me and my irrational fear of moths will probably find it unbelievable. But I have. 

It's not like I've named it or anything, it hasn't quite gone that far, and it's disappeared now, and I'm not sure if it'll come back. I only didn't run away/kill it last night because it was acting strangely. Moths like the light, that's their thing, right? But this one was hiding in the shadows, it fluttered all around my room, never stopping anywhere for more than 2 seconds, and eventually flew behind my wardrobe into the dark, where I presume it stayed until it reappeared this afternoon and sat on my Transatlanticism poster for a while. 

I really need a pet. I was looking after Claire's hamster, and now it's gone, I kind of miss it. 

Oh God. Maybe I will end up a cat lady. *shudder*

On to other things...

I can't get my assessment done. I know this is the same story over and over again. This one is particularly ridiculously annoying and stupid. I don't really understand why they give you a question which is about basically a very very small fraction of the plays that you've studied. So surprisingly enough, I have fuck all idea what to write. Maybe this is how academic university stuff works? I don't know? Even at Hills though, we actually studied properly what we were going to have to answer a question on. 

So I'm frustrated. I keep thinking that I have more days off this week, but I don't. And so it'll probably be me at 11pm on Friday night either shouting or crying because I still haven't finished it. 

I watched the finale of 'Friends' earlier. It makes me sad. Now I'm watching some film called Elizabethtown. I have no idea what it's about, but I'm home alone, and rather than being good and doing work, I thought I'd eat pasta and chocolate (not together) and watch lots of TV. 

I guess I better turn the sound up and stop typing if I'm going to watch this film. 

bai.x.

Soil, Soil

Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast

All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all(all)
And I won't take any other call

I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or God Forbid
Die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you

All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call

Knife Going In

It's boiling hot. And humid. And sticky. Even at 10pm. 

There are moths in my room. But they don't freak me out until I only have my lamp on and they flutter around my bed. 

I sat outside earlier, and got bitten by something, but the mark is gone now, like it never happened. 

[what seems like forever ago]

we stood. us on one side. them on the other. no memory of what had happened in the past. awkward words. 

shaking hands. 'in the interests of mixing it up a bit' i'm saying to myself over and over, even though it means nothing. someone else's words for something else. 

i'd dared myself, and was it that bad? even when you think you know what you want, you don't. and then things turn out differently. plans get complex. 

but there's that quote about fear, and that's exactly what it was. the exact embodiment. i used to write out quotes. but i stopped. like so many other things i gradually forget about. 

never quite productive enough.

It seems like forever since I really looked at that ^. Felt the screams. Understood. I was so intrigued by his insanity, and now he's just a book gathering dust on my shelf, a body in the ground. 

"but suddenly I realize and remember now for the first time how I've left the cover off the rat poison... this is my mouse - it's lying there dead... once again I've unconsciously sabotaged all these great plans of mine to be kind to living beings" - Jack Kerouac, Big Sur

Carparts

Sunday morning. 

Yesterday I went to Smem's, drank made up cocktails and played Mario Kart on N64. She gave me Transatlanticism for my birthday. Me = happy. Nice artwork. I just need Something About Airplanes to complete my collection now. Well... and all their EPs. 

Mario Kart is pretty awesome. It's one of those things that never gets old, even though the last time I played it was probably about 10 years ago. We played it for about 2 hours straight, and then some more. 

"you put all your hope in my slim chance"

I keep forgetting today is Sunday, because I've actually got the whole weekend off work, so it's like, I should be at work, right? Wrong. 

I went to get my eyes tested for my contact lenses yesterday as well. That's more money disappeared. I have an astigmatism, which when the optician was talking about it scared me a bit until he explained. Apparently it just means I have a cornea shaped like a rugby ball instead of a football, but if it gets any worse then I'll have to get monthly contact lenses instead of daily ones. 

In between doing OU work today I really need to throw out all the junk that has accumulated in my room over the last month or so. Everything is a mess, and it's so distracting. 

I'm having crises of confidence.

but more about that later....

[edit] I caught a glimpse of the new redesigned Facebook. Sadly, new lastfm is basically a copy of it, just with red/black instead of blue. Bring back old lastfm. 

P.S. i.heart.tegan.and.sara.

A Trip Out

Due to some weird twist in fate, I am going to see Nada Surf again. For the 5th time. In September. This means the longest I have gone without seeing them this year is from 21st Feb > 8th May. Which is like, less than 3 months. Lol. I wasn't even seeking to see them, I was actually considering paying £30 to go and see Doves (whose new album has now been annoyingly postponed until early 2009 release). It's pretty much my destiny I think. 

I want America right now. I mean. To go there. I'm worried about all the possibilities though. Things keep seeming to go well, and then *poof* something goes wrong. So I really don't want that to happen to my America dreams. I don't want to miss the election, or go by myself. Sadly I have an awful feeling it may go that way. 

But I'm listening to British Sea Power, and trying to stay ^^, remembering how good they were at Latitude. I seem to have bypassed my melancholy need for my DCFC playlist at least (a collection of their saddest songs).

It's been really hot. It's like summer. Well, it is summer. But this is the first time I haven't really had a summer holiday, like with school at one end or the other, it's really strange, I keep expecting to have free time, and I don't. 

I got some OU work done though, I've finally finished the stuff on Pygmalion and I'm going onto Medea. With a week until my assessment is due in, things are going to be truly interesting. 

I haven't played my guitar in forever. I can't wait until I'm back in that place where I have enough time to think and write. I got a pay rise. But it doesn't mean I'm not leaving. 

I'm too tired to read as well. I read quite a big chunk of Big Sur whilst I was at Latitude, and it's really good, I prefer it to On the Road. I'm waiting for his breakdown, but I can't get to it because every time I pick up the book, I'm in bed and as soon as I open it I realise I'm too tired to read. 

So I'll just sing. 

bai.x.

The Green Green Grass

Things I have learnt today: 

• If you eat crisps and chocolate every day you will put on weight. However many miles you walk. 
• If I get distracted by my favourite bands, then I get to now and find that I should have done all my work but haven't even started.
• No matter what happens, it seems health and safety will not be the downfall of my workplace.
• The Southbank Centre is mean.
• Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin are awesome.
• There are never any good films on when you feel like going to the cinema. 
• My feet always end up with blisters. However many miles I walk. 
• Buying 2 CDs instead of 7 makes you feel slightly better. But only in terms of money. 

I think that's about it. 

(meet the failtent)

Proof

"Better when I don't think, it seems to get me through"

Latitude was awesome. 

I don't really know what else to write. 

Things have been so up and down, and coming back home, I don't know what's going to happen.

(confetti from Sigur Ros)

Magnificent Seventies

So I am in a somewhat better mood than yesterday. And in around 40 hours, I will be in Henham Park, drinking Pimms and looking forward to my third exciting experience with Death Cab for Cutie... and seeing lots of other awesome bands. 

Today I was looking at my recommendations page on lastfm, a stranger had recommended me some music I didn't want to listen to, and I wanted to delete it. But whilst browsing and deleting other recommendations like the evil Kaiser Chiefs, I saw Andrew Kenny. Oh, hello, similar to Chris Walla and Ben Gibbard you say? *Click* 

So I see that he did a split EP with Mr Gibbard, and that he's the singer of American Analog Set (how I want to add 'ue' to the end of analog...), one of the many bands I have heard the name of a fair bit, but never bothered to listen to. When I see them compared to half of DCfC and Rogue Wave though, it is too much to resist. 

I'm currently on the second track of their first album, and I think I'm in love already. iTunes classifies it as ambient pop. I don't know if that counts for anything. It really is lovely though. It's the sort of music you have for travelling, or sitting in the sun. Is it weird to call music friendly? Because it feels quite friendly. Like it's come and shook me by the hand. Hai. 

So yet more to be added to my ever-lengthening wish list on Amazon. I probably need to do some deleting actually, after my birthday. 

Today I used the H&M card James got me to buy a nice scarf and hat. This makes it sound like I am preparing for winter, but I am not. However, I did almost buy a top that I've already got. 

Oh. It's gone a bit like the Album Leaf now. I really like this. 

I bought stuff to take to Latitude as well. Sweets and water and...tissues? I need to go and find the rucksack in a minute. 

More Death Cab photos. I am immensely proud of this one. The edited version (not this one, but the one I've now got stuck up on my wall) looks a bit better. But still *proud*

Oh, I got my new passport today. It's pretty exciting and biometric. So now, whenever I want to go travelling, nothing can stop me! Well... almost nothing. 

It sounds like my food might be ready soon, so I'm going to go on a rucksack search and then eat. Yum. 

bai.x.

Tiny Vessels

I feel drained. Crap. Awful. Horrible. James accused me of making snide remarks about Doug. I have nothing against him. I just don't want to spend my last weeks there working with a complete stranger. When am I going to tell him I'm leaving if he's not even there? I just feel like John has trodden on me. I just wanted things to stay the same for just that little bit longer, just until I'm gone.
Nothing ever lasts forever though. And even though I didn't expect it too, it's like things always disappear sooner than I want them too.

That mixed with 5 hours sleep, achieving nothing and God knows what else. Ugh.
This random French guy started talking to me on the bus yesterday. "I want to improve my English" he said. And then we sat in silence, he asked me a couple of questions, and then I had to get off the bus. I hate how when I have short conversations with strangers I can never think of what to say, but as soon as I've walked away I can think of about a million.
I stood outside Koko for over an hour yesterday. I ate a vegetable samosa. I talked to my sister. She gave me High Fidelity (book and DVD) for my birthday. I stood in the same place I did when I went to see Nada Surf two months ago. The same bouncer stood in front of me. I watched Das Pop. Their recordings do nothing for how good they are live. The curtains were drawn. The stage changed. Death Cab were welcomed. And the first song they played, I had no idea what it was. It wasn't a good start. It wasn't like at the Electric Ballroom when they opened with Bixby Canyon Bridge and The New Year and it was just amazing. No. Not that I'm saying they weren't good. They're still Death Cab. But they didn't seem as energetic and as happy to be there as before. Maybe it's two months of touring. Maybe it's playing to an audience where you can't really be sure if they want to see you because it's free.

I took pictures. Look. 

In between everything, at least I have Latitude to look forward to. 

bai.x.

Cinnamon

I'm in the car trying to find out if this works...

Nineteen

"now we're saying bye, bye, bye...I was nineteen"

I am nineteen. Was my birthday yesterday. I got my pretty dress ^^

I'm finally getting around to updating, somehow the past week has just disappeared, to the extent that I don't feel like it's Saturday *uhh, what happened?*

On Monday, I am going to see Death Cab for Cutie. For the 2nd of 3 times this year (Thursday is looking sadly unlikely). Amazingly, I won tickets for the iTunes festival gig they're doing at Koko, and I found out on my birthday, which was totally awesome, and like the best birthday present ^^. Although, it occurred to me that the audience might not be as dedicated as when I saw them before, as no one will have actually paid to be there. Then again, would you enter a competition and then go to a gig that you didn't want to go to? I don't know... some people probably would. But it's Death Cab - so even if the audience are awful, I will still have Chris Walla and Ben Gibbard (and Nick Harmer and Jason McGerr) standing in front of me. 

Been working as usual. I need another person really, the orders are stacking up, and I've got a pile of internet stuff to do, I'll never get it all done before I go to Latitude.

I'm looking after Claire's hamster whilst she's on holiday. It is supercute. And fat. I'm taking photos of it, and I will post some soon. I keep getting really paranoid that I've left the cage open though, like I actually had to get out of bed and check last night. I don't want to lose him, it's bad enough having Chris teasing me about killing him.  

Off to Oxford tomorrow. To see my cousin sing in some random choir thing. I still have lots of OU work to do, and literally no time to do it in, so it's going to be pretty interesting to see how the next couple of weeks pan out. Maybe I'll be taking work to Latitude after all. Still need to work out travel arrangements.... argh there's so much to organise!!

Anything else? I'm sure there was. 

I finished On The Road. FINALLY.

That's an achievement if there ever was one. Now I'm on to Mark Haddon's new book, and then Big Sur... after that, who knows? I'll have to find something else to read. 

Trying to decide whether to do about terrorism or art for my next OU course. It's a difficult decision. 9/11 = more interesting, and cheaper, but worth less. Art = potentially dull, more expensive but worth more. Ho hum. 

I'm going to go now. Need lots of sleep to get through the next week. Latitude in 5 days. :) :)

bai.x.

Saturday

(it is actually a song title, by The Rocket Summer)

I've just got back from Claire's. Realised I'm only 18 for 4 more days. Maybe I should've done more stuff? But I haven't, and it's too late for that now. 

Just been through the massive effort of taking off all my face paint as well. Serious effort. It was a bit difficult cos I was trying to do it with cotton wool, and my face sort of turned into this purple-ish mess, so I looked like I'd been beaten up. But all was soon resolved, and now I have normal skin again. 

Today was strange, in that it was just me and James for the first time in a couple of weeks. Also nice and quiet though. The restaurant that backs onto work needs its bins emptying, it was really gross, cos it was so hot, it was making the whole of our alley, and where our toilet is smell really bad. There were loads of fruit flies as well (which makes me sing the Nada Surf song, and then laugh). 

Another work experience girl next week. We seem to have a neverending supply. At least we won't have any for a few months after next week. This may be the last one I witness. I'm so afraid. I hate decision making, but I've got to do it. I knoww. I wish it wasn't so difficult. I never thought in a million years I'd become so attached to it. But I am. 

It's so possible to love everything you think you hate, and the lines just blur into ambiguity. 

He's there and then not there. I've become so afraid of getting hurt. And who wouldn't? 

Unobtainable

Unsustainable

bai.x.

(picture is of the amazing artwork I did on Smem's face)

No Lucifer

Hai.

I rented the paedophile film. When I say that I mean 'The Woodsman' - which is about a paedophile who just got out of jail. We watched the beginning of it in Film Studies last year, and I kind of wanted to see the rest of it, so I put it on my list, forgot about it, and then it turned up yesterday. I do hope it's not too paedophilic. 

The coolest thing happened on the way home, I got off the bus, and there was sort of water spray in the air, because the rain is coming and it's really windy, so it was like a nice cool spray on my back as I walked home :) 

Got my passport form sent off. After all that, I didn't even need my birth certificate. These things are so stressful. And the woman was a bit questionable about my photo because my hair was covering the tiniest bit of my eyebrows. Fucking pedantic. Then I went into H&M. What a mistake. I'm now going to go back there tomorrow and buy clothes. La de da. 

Everyone seems to enjoy the idea of dressing up in gowns when they come to work at my work. As you can see from the photo today, Fi and Julian were doing just that, except only with mortar boards. It's all good fun. 

I want to sleep. So, instead of doing work like I should, I'm going to watch the paedophile film. Ace. 

bai.x.

(Square) Bubbles

Going to bed in a minute. I've actually achieved some minimal form of work this evening. I'm talking a couple of paragraphs. But maybe I'll be more committed tomorrow. Or at least I'll try to turn my laptop off for half an hour or more. 

I've just finished reading the America blog of one of Fi's friends. It makes me want to be there. If someone said to me "here have a plane ticket to NY for tomorrow" I would be like "yes please!"

I've just been told I have raspberries to eat, so I'll write a bit more and then eat, and then sleep. 

John is going to Henley for the next couple of days (lucky him). I think we would all welcome a 4 day break. I actually have no idea how much holiday I'm entitled to after my couple of part-time months, so even if I wanted to have a holiday, I think Latitude will pretty much use it all up. Shame really, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, waiting until November will be well worth it.

Have finally worked out the mysteries of the passport form, and it turns out I don't need my parents marriage certificate after all - this is because when they got married they didn't have an 'immigration status', as apparently we are not immigrants. To be honest, your immigration status could be 'non-immigrant' and therefore they should make the guidelines a bit clearer for simple people like me. At least it's finally all filled out after having the form for 2 weeks. So I'll be saying goodbye to £80, and finding myself with a shiny new passport in about a month with any luck. Ready to travel and all. 

Tomorrow I get to be manager. I don't mind when I only have to manage myself, but as I have to manage 3 other people, it is less fun. It seems John has once again passed the buck to me, not only was I the person who had to tell Fi and Julian when to work, but also the person who has to make them redundant (or in more accurate terms, fire them, as they won't get any compensation for no longer having a job). Maybe it's just a sign that he trusts me? I don't know. It's almost unfortunate that I can't choose who to hire/fire more often, but as he's paying them, it can't really be my choice. I wouldn't even delude myself into thinking that I'd have a say in who would replace me at that time in the future. 

I'm going to have my raspberries now. I almost feel healthy, except I know they're with cream and meringues. That said, at least I am not like the morbidly obese 7 year old I saw this evening walking through Trumpington. You know when a small child is morbidly obese when they look pregnant. And she did. About 8 months pregnant. It really is a sad state of affairs. It's not even like her mum was fat. 

Anyway. 

bai.x.