Fade Into You

I just looked in the mirror and I look like I've been crying. How weird. 

Today. Was the first day of part-time-ness. So instead of being productive like I promised myself I would, I spent the morning watching ER, deleting music I never listen to off my laptop so I have more space on my hard drive, and doing a bit of OU work. 

I'm trying to write a song, which I have the guitar part, but I just can't find the words or the melody and it's really frustrating me - it's been about a week since I came up with it, and nothing is coming. Maybe I'm not allowing myself to think, or maybe I don't like what I'm thinking - I just seem to turn up the volume on my iPod instead of actually thinking things out. 

It's weird how you can unintentionally screw things up. Not that they're really screwed up. I don't know. 

The lecture this evening was really good, and interesting. But I found myself sitting there thinking "yeah, that's happened to me" which somehow felt a bit shit. 

I find myself being paranoid much more at the moment. It's very strange.

The guy in the lecture said that it can reoccur within two years if you treat it with drugs. That creeps me out. And that apparently it's curable if you teach yourself to think positively or do exercise. But when you're there and it's you, you can't do that. Apparently it also occurs when you're going down the wrong path, and your brain decides to pull out all the wires to make you stop and think. 

Anyway. 

Me and David sat and looked at Mr Men books in Heffers. It was fun. 

There are some things I just can't explain, and in between everything I wish I could find answers. But I'm not sure if I even have the questions that I'm looking for the answers for. If that makes sense. I wander around Cambridge, and go past places that used to mean something and it frightens me. 

It's not tiredness, it's distance. I was a million miles away, when I should've been right there. 

Why do I let it get to me still? I don't want him to be happy for me, the thought of it makes me feel ill. Why don't I get to be completely okay? Why do I get lost in this weird paranoia? 

It's been months and I still won't let go. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

x

(picture is of a random bug that was on my desk today)